Today Is A Beautiful Day And I Cannot See It

I was sent this link by a friend. I was struggling to think of something to write that was positive today. I think the last subtitle of this short film should give us all something to think about!

http://www.adnstream.tv/video/nilSqaMboM/HISTORIA-DE-UN-LETRERO-THE-STORY-OF-A-SIGN

It all comes down to perspective. How often even though we have gifts do we focus on the stress and strife of life, and miss an opportunity? How often when we could make a difference do we sit on the sideline and allow someone else to take the first step? How often do we not find the energy to do something that would benefit someone else, because there might not be anything in it for us?

I will admit that I am guilty of all of the negative sides of those questions. The amazing thing that I have found is that every time you reach out and invest yourself, you will most definitely get something out of it. You might not realize it at the time you are helping, but it's there. If you walk away with a smile, that's your reward. If you walk away with a warm feeling, that is your reward. If you get a thank you, that is your reward. If you contribute, you will always walk away better off in a tangible way.

Funny that I was busy trying to think of something motivating to say, and this fell into my lap. Today is a beautiful day, and thank you for the person that helped me to see it! Thanks Leslie!

Random Thoughts

Okay, its gonna be alright! Looking into my mind should scare the hell out of any sane and rational human being! I promise though you are going to be all right!

Why is it that when the day's start getting shorter we all try to cram as much into them as humanly possible? Is it that we know it's getting darker sooner and we have to be busy bee's to get it all in? Are there any less than 24 hours in the day just because it gets darker sooner? Slow down! Just cause it's dark outside doesn't mean you have to go to bed unless your my children! The bonus here is that I only have two perfect children the rest of you are on your own!!!!

Why is it that when you listen to music you can almost always find something that touches your soul on a primordial level? It is as if it harmonizes with who you are at your core. As if it has always been there, but you are hearing it for the first time. It strikes a chord and you find it easier to just be! As if you are sitting with an old friend you have known your entire life.

Why is it that we are all so different, and yet so much alike? We are all good at something, and we are all not good at everything. Yet the thing I may be good at does not always make me happy, and I wish I was better at what you are good at. You on the other hand are not brought joy by your strength, but wish you had mine. Now that is an odd paradox!

Why is it that when you feel at your most supernumerary self, you are okay with who you are? Even if it is over the top? Is it for the briefest of moments that you can see who you are at the root of your being? That you are laid bare for all to see in glory and weakness all in the same moment?

And now I lead you back safely to Terra firma as promised. Safe and sound, and happy as hell that you are not anywhere near as weird as I am!!!

What Do You Want For Yourself?

This question is one that is deserving of much thought. I like the movie, the The Last Samurai and it is when Algren is very angry and shouting at Katsumoto; "What do you want from me?" and Katsumoto calmly replies "What do you want for yourself?"

It is a simple question, but a very deep one. Figuring out what you want for yourself; Is it a simple thing? Is it very complex? Is it a onetime thing? Or something that you can build on? Is it something that is selfish? Or is it something for the greater good? To you is it something altogether different?

What do I want for myself? I want to contribute. I don't want to be a superstar! I want to add value to anything that I am doing. I want to work as an equal team member, and move the team forward as a whole. I want for my contribution to not be noticed, but if I was not there to contribute to be missed. Not meaning that if I am not there to help that the endeavor fails, just that my team would miss my pulling on the oars in the same direction they were.

What do I want for myself? I want to bring humor to my environment. I have a very caustic sense of humor. I hope that most know that I do not mean anything hurtful by what I say, (unless, I am saying it to myself; were still working on that one). We live in very stressful times. some of it is self induced, and some of it is external in nature. I want to bring levity to those around me so that all stress is lessened.

What do I want for myself? I want in the end to have mattered. How will I do this? I don't know! I want to touch lives in such a manner as to have someone stop at some point after I am gone and say, "you know Marc could have helped with this." Hell, it does not even need to be after I am gone as that is a bit morbid.

You know the greatest thing about this question? The answers can change daily! The answers aren't always right the first time around. With the questions flexibility, you can always supply a new one with a little thought.

The work comes when you set out what you need to reach the goal you have set. Sticking to the tasks that you need to get done to reach what you have chosen. Doing the small things that will make you reach your destination. When you reach your goal, taking time to enjoy what you have accomplished. Then being to able to ask "What do I want for myself now?"

What do you want for yourself? Think about it!

If you don’t make a total commitment to whatever you’re doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It’s tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when a guy stands up and starts putting his life jacket on. - Lou Holtz

Where Does This Come From?

I have never in my life been able to express myself in a constructive manner. I am fairly well spoken, but never have been able to get the thoughts out as fluidly as I do here. I find it strange for a kid that went to college without being able to punctuate a sentence, (Thanks mom for all those proof reads on term papers!) being pulled aside by a professor that said, "You speak very well, but you don't know how to punctuate a sentence? Just listen to how you talk and when you pause add a comma. When you complete a thought use a period." Never had it been laid out so clearly and concisely.

Later in life when at a very low point, a neighbor was discussing a book he had been assigned to read. The book discussed that Americans don't focus on what their strengths are. We have to deal with it all and try to be excellent at everything. The rest of the world allows it's citizens to focus on their strengths. China for example, if you are an athlete, you go to camps to improve your strengths. if your a math whiz, you go to math camps. At this time, I did not know what my strengths were. I did not think I had any.

Upon reflection, I have found a couple of strengths. I am trying to focus on them. I am trying to use them in a positive manner. I am trying to find more. Once and a while, I am still very self deprecating. I am a work in progress. I used to live for the end. Now, I am hoping to enjoy the journey.

Man’s rise or fall, success or failure, happiness or unhappiness depends on his attitude … a man’s attitude will create the situation he imagines. - James Lane Allen

I have imagined both. I have experienced both. I have achieved both. I will continue to learn how to focus on the positive.

Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost. - Helen Keller

God, imagine if someone had not taken the time to give this woman a voice! So much adversity to deal with and such an exemplary spirit of determination.

To all of you who were patient with me while someone was helping me find my voice. Thank you! For those of you who have pushed me to push myself. Thank you!

I still don't know where this came from, but I am glad it got here before it was too late.

Parenting Is Hard Work

While dealing with all the family stress, parenting is hard. You want to take the fear out of your children. You want to be honest. You want to answer all of the questions they have to the best of your abilities. Having an open and honest conversation, might just add more fear and confusion, but it is 100% the right thing to do. Doing the right thing is not always easy.

I have one child, that is so much like me, and the other that is like Jen. The one that scares me is the one like me! Holding in anger and fear, never winds up in a good place. Getting this one to release that tripe is hard! Mom and Dad, wow you had your hands full with me.

We got some relief tonight. Our loved one is out of the hospital. I have to say they look damn good. The one like me and myself got to see our loved one. My mini me and this person are very close, and I think they both found some relief.

Also it brought out new feelings and emotions that needed to be handled. This task is not beyond me, just really means I have to concentrate on patience. Patience is not my strongest attribute. I think we got through a rough spot, but tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunities. I won't pat myself on the back yet.

Workout Update: While it is not the most important topic right now. I have 4000 yards this week in swim workouts. I pushed on the 100's, and really pushed hard today on the 50's. I beat the first workout by 1:00 minute today. Not a huge accomplishment, but an improvement. It was not easy, it did hurt a bit. As Bob likes to remind me "Pain is weakness leaving the body." I have a lot of weakness then. But you know what, I have unlimited strength too. Remember someone very bold and brave once reminded me that I run on a lot of anger. I at least have a coping mechanism for mine now.

Thanks to all for your comments. Ms. R, you can bring a step ladder, so you can rub my bald head. You let me know if it brings you any luck. If you win the lottery, I want half!

A New Haircut!

More than likely, you will see me sporting a new haircut in the coming weeks. Well, hair might not be involved at all. There will be chemo involved for my family member. The cancer came back at a stage 1 in the pathology report. They are concerned that maybe some cells may have escaped to the rest of the body. They have given us some news that there is a 95% survival rating with the chemo and the staging level given. All and all still a very positive prognosis.

I will shave my head in solidarity with my family member. I don't do this because I am noble. I don't do this because I matter at all in this situation. I do this because I love this person, and I don't want them to feel alone.

There is a song by the Rascal Flatts called Skin (Sarabeth) in which this young ladies prom date shaves his head so that she does not feel out of place at the prom. This song has always made me sad and mad, but given hope. I have decided that in this case it is the least I can do.

At the funeral of my friend Jack, his kids eulogized him. It was one of the bravest moments I have ever witnessed as all of his children got up and told amazing stories about a unbelievable human being and father. One of his son's (who is bald), stated that God made a few heads that were perfect, the others, he granted hair.

I apologize, because I was granted hair, and you will have to endure my bald pate. Again I don't do this for me. High and tight with a sweep across the top to the right is my style. But my pride does not matter in this instance. I do this because I know it is one of the few ways I can offer a paltry excuse at comfort to a loved one. So while I may look like a tall version of Uncle Fester, know that I do this because I care about someone.

Each time you stand up for an ideal, you send forth a tiny ripple of hope. - Robert Kennedy

I hope that this small act bolsters my loved one's spirits. I hope it brings laughter and mirth to an otherwise stressful situation. Hell, I can save time at the pool too as I won't need to don a swim cap! Maybe there is some deep seeded narcissistic reasoning involved here? Who knows, maybe I am just being human for a change!

To the one that matters here, know that I love you!

Fear

What, you don't think that 6' 3" 300 pound men aren't afraid? I have lived my life afraid of my own shadow. I have lived in fear of failure. I have lived in fear of success. I have lived in fear of of damn near everything.

I mentioned before that there is a time and a place to contemplate. Contemplation can also bring about inaction due to fearing the outcome. So many times there has been an urge to take an action in my life, but I make myself stop and think about the possible outcomes, and the result is being frozen from action by fear of the possibilities.

To weigh possibilities is not entirely bad, but to weigh them and always focus on the negative is! If I had not taken a chance on a bike ride, where would I be today. I would probably still be in the same dead end job, contemplating making a change that I did not believe I was capable of. I would probably be somewhere in the neighborhood of 375 to 400 pounds. I would probably be knocking on deaths door. I would not have made any difference in the world.

Fear is natural, and not always negative. Sometimes fearing something can stop you from making a mistake. Living in fear constantly is negative. It stops you from changing what you are, and prevents you from becoming what you are capable of.

I have said previously, that I often don't believe that I am capable of much. While it is an accurate statement of how I view myself, it is not necessarily true. We all have limitless potential if we set fear aside and take on a challenge. Maybe it is a new job. Maybe it is a physical challenge. Maybe it is just accepting that it is okay to be afraid and step forward into something we want to try anyway. If you are able to take that first step, often you will survive; (maybe 99.9999% of the time). If nothing else, after you take that first step, you will find that you are amazed that you were afraid of nothing all that bad.

I am afraid of cancer. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I am not living up to my potential. I am afraid that I am a failing at being a father. I am afraid of losing people I love. I am afraid that I have not done enough to change the world around me. I am afraid that I have not used my abilities. I am afraid that I have not mattered. But the good thing, is that I am starting to realize before it is too late, that I can change some of these things. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. That is why the present is a gift. I will work on living in the present and accepting everyday as a gift. An opportunity to put my fear aside and make a difference.

Fear can also teach us that we need to change. We need to grow. We need to be aware that there is a time to face fear and alter the course we have chosen. Thank you to all who accept me and my fears. Thank you to those who allow me to change my course knowing that I don't have all the answers. Thank you to those that stand beside me regardless of the mess that I am inside my own head.

I close with this:

Take inventory of yourself, see if any remnants of fear are standing in your way. Then you may grow... because nothing, absolutely nothing, can stand in your way. - Napoleon Hill

Why I Hate Cancer

I won't stay on this topic forever, but I am dealing with a lot of anger! Instead of being completely self-destructive, I am venting here and during my workouts. It is healthier than keeping all of this anger inside.

I hate cancer, because of what it does to society. I hate the fact that we do not have a cure yet. I think some drug companies find it more lucrative to treat the disease than to cure it. That is not to say that the doctors and researchers are not exerting all of there efforts 110%. There is just that tickle in the back of my brain that knows that there is no money in a cure, just in treatment.

I hate cancer, because it killed my paternal grandmother. I hate cancer because it killed my maternal aunt. I hate cancer because it is affecting my paternal grandfather. I hate cancer because it has again come close to home. I do not wish it to hit someone else. I wish it would just leave us all alone! I hate cancer because it affects children! I hate cancer because it affects neighbors. I hate cancer because affects friends. Most of all I hate cancer because it terrifies me!

Hate is a strong word, and not one to be taken lightly. Contempt of cancer does not make a strong enough statement for what I feel towards this disease. I have stood on the sideline for too long and not done enough.

TNT and the LLS is geared toward Leukemia and Lymphoma research, but it is my hopes that when we find a cure for these, we will unlock cures for the other forms of cancer.

I continue to train to complete my triple crown. I now have a very personal honoree that has been affected by cancer. I don't sit here and make false promises that I make a difference in this fight. It is you that make the difference. When I make the promise to endure an event, that is small compared to what I ask you to do. You have made the difference by making your donations. Your money will fund the research. Your money will find the cure. I will continue to participate, in hoping that one day some very gifted and intelligent people will find a cure. I will use my gifts of athletic ability and the written word to hopefully motivate you to continue to make a difference.

There is a time to sit in contemplation, and there is a time to act. I had sat in contemplation for 36 years and accomplished nothing. For the last two years, I have acted out to accomplish something I believe in. I have lived more in the last two years than I ever did while sitting in contemplation. I have felt more, I have shared more, and I have grown more by acting out than by contemplating what I should do.

In closing; I have a purpose. I have an ability. I will put both together and hopefully along with you, we will accomplish great things. All of this will be forged out of my hatred of cancer.

For A Bad Diagnosis, A Positive Prognosis

So we have some answers. It is cancer. On the positive side, they were able to remove it. The initial pathology came back with cancer, but what was referred to as borderline. I understand this to mean that there were some cancer cells, but the majority were in a pre-cancerous state. They believe that they were able to get it all. They examined the near by lymphatic system and the nodes look good. With this initial prognosis, there may not be any need for chemotherapy! We will have to wait about a week for the final pathology report to come back.

In the mean time, we are some what relieved by this news. It does not make it any easier as there will still be some psychological healing I assume. I am sure we will come through it stronger.

Again, to respect my family members privacy, I will not say anymore than that. I thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

Now a bit of a rant:

Why does this damn disease exist? Why the hell does it affect good people? Why the hell does it target the innocent? This son of a bitch has no morals! This fucking disease is my enemy! I am not pounding my chest in bravado here. I say it again; "I hate this disease in any shape or form!" It takes so much and gives nothing in return. It causes so much pain and leaves emptiness in it's wake. Yet it unites those of us affected with a common bond of seeing it's end. Maybe that is what it gives in return the drive to eradicate it completely. I am not sure, but if it gives us that goal and we strive for it, and reach it, then maybe it will have provided a purpose for it's existence. And when that day comes the world will be a better place!

I am sorry to use the language that I used, but I am no choir boy on Sunday. I do have a mouth like a sewer, and sometimes even though I have a large vocabulary these words convey more meaning than any three dollar polysyllabic word ever could.

I'm Pissed and A Bit Worried

This is just a vent entry. I have a family member facing some uncertain health. I won't reveal much so as to protect their privacy. They are facing surgery and waiting on pathology so that they can know what they are dealing with.

I won't wax poetic and tell you that since we don't know what we are dealing with that we as a family are not scared or worried. I imagine that this is the helplessness that all families deal with at some point and time.

I ask for strength and understanding from whatever powers that may be. I ask that I am able to support those who need it from me. I ask that we get answers to understand what we are dealing with.

On the other hand it affirms what I have been doing for the past few years. I want to end Cancer in any shape and form. I hate this expletive dies ease with every fiber of my being! It has scared the hell out of me for so long. I at least have been able to contribute to the fight in some way.

Sorry to rant, but I needed to express some of my frustration as I sit here and ineffectively wait for answers. I hope to know more by tomorrow evening.

To The Iron Will Finishers

Kimmi & Rachel,

To chase what you are intimidated by. To aspire to something beyond the realm of rational expectation. To push beyond mortal endurance. To take us all and lift us up through your achievement. This is what it means to be a hero. You two exemplify that word beyond measure.

I am truly honored that you allowed me to partake of your experience as an observer. You showed courage, and what a "can do" mental attitude can accomplish. I tracked your progress throughout the day. I checked the site nervously, and with excitement every time I hit the refresh icon. It was amazing to track your success and progress.

I close with this thought. Never can anyone take this away from you. You believed in yourself! You endured what most would flee from. You rose to the challenge! You persevered! Whenever your road ahead is obstructed, you will know that you have the ability to push beyond what you think yourself capable of enduring. Hold that lesson close to your soul. Don't let how bright your souls shine diminish the glow of this moment. You earned the right to call yourself "Ironman"! You have always been special, and this just adds to that collective.

My hat is off to you both. I am humbled and honored to call you friends.

Off The Rack (A Narcissistic Post)

I left work early today to go do my official 1800 Yard over a mile swim workout. Of course, I have hit a mile three times before the workout routine called for it, but this is the week that every time I hit the pool, I will be pushing it through a mile.

The workout does not have it's normal flow, but I am changing it up to challenge myself. I make myself swim my drills in under 15 minutes, but taking care to perform the drills correctly. On to the workout 7 X 100's (supposed to take a 45 second break between the 100's). No break, lets see how strong I've gotten. This is training for endurance, time to endure! Knock out all 700 yards without a break. Take my three minutes off that I am supposed to before starting my 10 X 50's (30 seconds off between 50's). Nope, you guessed it, I don't need no stinking break. knock out my 50's as 100's, and do six of them including my cool down drill and slow freestyle. 1800 yards!!!! I am tired. I am a little sore. I am unbelieving of how far I have come in eight weeks.

Come home and go out to dinner as it is Jenny's birthday. Man steak tastes great when you are hungry. I have cut down on my red meat consumption, but not tonight!!!!

On the way home, we make a stop at a mall that has a Casual Male clothing store. This can be read as clothes for fat guys! I have not bought anything from a store in a long time, and no longer know my pants size. My belt is going around me once and a quarter way again. I love the fact that I can use it as a measuring stick for my success, but it is starting to look a little shoddy.

I go in and ask the clerk to measure my waist. She pulls the tape, and tells my you wear a size 50" waist. I look at her and in a very patient tone explain that "Ms. I am wearing a 48" right now and if I take this belt off you are going to see my briefs!" She very patiently pulls the tape again and tells me it's still 50". I know this can not be right.

I go to the jeans section. I have not worn jeans in so long, maybe 14 years. I pull some 48" x 32's and a pair of 46" x 32's off the rack. I go into the fitting room, and try the 46's on. they fit, but are loose. They fit really nice in the legs. I stopped wearing jeans, because when I was squatting 500+ lbs, my thighs were 28 inches around. Jeans did not fit! If I bought them from my legs, they were too big in the waist. If I bought them for my waist, they were too tight in the legs. At this time the friendly clerk inquires how I am doing. I respond pleasantly with "These are 46's, and there a bit loose."

I wander back over to the rack and pick up some 44" X 32's. I try these on, and amazingly they fit. They are a little tight in the waist, but as I continue to chase my triple crown, I am sure that they will become loose after time.

I decided to not buy pants tonight, but it is nice to know that I can when I choose to. I did indulge in a new belt. It will shrink with me, a smarter investment. I will keep my old friend though. Not that it will probably ever be used again other than a measuring device to gauge my progress.

So.... I Made My Mile

I sit here and double blog tonight. The energy and excitement go to Kimmi & Rachel! I did something important today, but they deserve their own post. I am proud of what I accomplished, but I want your thoughts to point to them, not to me.

I set a goal to hit a mile in the pool in eight weeks, but with 1700 yards for my workout this week, I was so close that I had to push it. I have even been pushing the workout this week. I am supposed to take 45 seconds of rest between 100's of which I have six. Then when I start my 50's, I am supposed to rest 30 seconds between my ten. I am not patient. I am not able to rest that long! I have only been resting 15 seconds between 100's, and 10 between 50's. Sorry Bob!

Tonight, as I neared the end of my 50's, I was on my seventh, I decided that it was time to see what was in the tank. I made myself swim 300 yards without a break. That means that I did my eighth and ninth fifty together. I did my tenth and cool down drill together, and my slow freestyle and an extra fifty to make a mile for the workout.

I am happy! I did the whole thing in 49 minutes. I will work on speed, but I am happy! I had more in the tank, but needed to get home to get the girls to soccer.

I am not sure what my next goal is, but I can tell you there will be another. I can't believe that this is me! I am below 300 lbs again. Actually 297 and change. I am definitely putting on muscle and changing shape. I am still round, but I am changing the amount of roundness. I say that with a gleam in my eye, and a smile.

I have to be honest; my first thought when I got done in the pool was: "A mile in the pool, just became my bitch!" maybe I will shoot for two miles. I don't know yet. I will keep you posted. Maybe it is a mile and a long bike ride. The possibilities are limitless.

I leave you with this thought. Send your energy to Kimmi and Rachel on Sunday. You may not know them, but they have both given energy to me. They both have encouraged me. They have both stepped out on a limb to chase a dream. They are both deserving. They are amazing. My accomplishment is small in comparison to what they will do!

Thanks for sharing the ride.

Iron Will Cometh!

My two friends go to battle this weekend. They are doing the Ironman Wisconsin on Sunday, September 7. I wish I was going to be there! I will be checking http://ironman.com/ironmanlive frequently, I can assure you of that. Go Rachel, Go Kimmi! I am in awe and am humbled by you both!!!!!!!!

I know when my friends Bob and Mike finished this last year, that my thoughts were with them all day. I would keep saying to them through mental telepathy keep going. Your not hurting, your only living! Okay, your done with the swim, now your just spinning and grinning. You got this! You can! You will! You are awesome! Later in the day, it was rack your bike and strap on your shoes. One foot in front of the other, how much easier does this get? Keep going! Your halfway done, what it's all down hill from here!

These people are awesome! These people have an ability! These people are my friends. These people are living, not just merely getting by. I assure you that the honor is all mine.

To Kimmi and Rachel, you just keep going! You believe in yourselves! You endure and you achieve! Crying ain't quitting! Trust in your resolve! You are awesome! You are strong! You are loved! You are doing this for the right reasons! You are more powerful than you realize! Let your light shine! Enjoy your journey! God's speed!

I am looking forward to hearing all about it. I send you love. I send you energy. I send you my gratitude for allowing me to be in your cheering section. You are my heroes!

Love, Marc