Why I Hate Cancer

I won't stay on this topic forever, but I am dealing with a lot of anger! Instead of being completely self-destructive, I am venting here and during my workouts. It is healthier than keeping all of this anger inside.

I hate cancer, because of what it does to society. I hate the fact that we do not have a cure yet. I think some drug companies find it more lucrative to treat the disease than to cure it. That is not to say that the doctors and researchers are not exerting all of there efforts 110%. There is just that tickle in the back of my brain that knows that there is no money in a cure, just in treatment.

I hate cancer, because it killed my paternal grandmother. I hate cancer because it killed my maternal aunt. I hate cancer because it is affecting my paternal grandfather. I hate cancer because it has again come close to home. I do not wish it to hit someone else. I wish it would just leave us all alone! I hate cancer because it affects children! I hate cancer because it affects neighbors. I hate cancer because affects friends. Most of all I hate cancer because it terrifies me!

Hate is a strong word, and not one to be taken lightly. Contempt of cancer does not make a strong enough statement for what I feel towards this disease. I have stood on the sideline for too long and not done enough.

TNT and the LLS is geared toward Leukemia and Lymphoma research, but it is my hopes that when we find a cure for these, we will unlock cures for the other forms of cancer.

I continue to train to complete my triple crown. I now have a very personal honoree that has been affected by cancer. I don't sit here and make false promises that I make a difference in this fight. It is you that make the difference. When I make the promise to endure an event, that is small compared to what I ask you to do. You have made the difference by making your donations. Your money will fund the research. Your money will find the cure. I will continue to participate, in hoping that one day some very gifted and intelligent people will find a cure. I will use my gifts of athletic ability and the written word to hopefully motivate you to continue to make a difference.

There is a time to sit in contemplation, and there is a time to act. I had sat in contemplation for 36 years and accomplished nothing. For the last two years, I have acted out to accomplish something I believe in. I have lived more in the last two years than I ever did while sitting in contemplation. I have felt more, I have shared more, and I have grown more by acting out than by contemplating what I should do.

In closing; I have a purpose. I have an ability. I will put both together and hopefully along with you, we will accomplish great things. All of this will be forged out of my hatred of cancer.

For A Bad Diagnosis, A Positive Prognosis

So we have some answers. It is cancer. On the positive side, they were able to remove it. The initial pathology came back with cancer, but what was referred to as borderline. I understand this to mean that there were some cancer cells, but the majority were in a pre-cancerous state. They believe that they were able to get it all. They examined the near by lymphatic system and the nodes look good. With this initial prognosis, there may not be any need for chemotherapy! We will have to wait about a week for the final pathology report to come back.

In the mean time, we are some what relieved by this news. It does not make it any easier as there will still be some psychological healing I assume. I am sure we will come through it stronger.

Again, to respect my family members privacy, I will not say anymore than that. I thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

Now a bit of a rant:

Why does this damn disease exist? Why the hell does it affect good people? Why the hell does it target the innocent? This son of a bitch has no morals! This fucking disease is my enemy! I am not pounding my chest in bravado here. I say it again; "I hate this disease in any shape or form!" It takes so much and gives nothing in return. It causes so much pain and leaves emptiness in it's wake. Yet it unites those of us affected with a common bond of seeing it's end. Maybe that is what it gives in return the drive to eradicate it completely. I am not sure, but if it gives us that goal and we strive for it, and reach it, then maybe it will have provided a purpose for it's existence. And when that day comes the world will be a better place!

I am sorry to use the language that I used, but I am no choir boy on Sunday. I do have a mouth like a sewer, and sometimes even though I have a large vocabulary these words convey more meaning than any three dollar polysyllabic word ever could.

I'm Pissed and A Bit Worried

This is just a vent entry. I have a family member facing some uncertain health. I won't reveal much so as to protect their privacy. They are facing surgery and waiting on pathology so that they can know what they are dealing with.

I won't wax poetic and tell you that since we don't know what we are dealing with that we as a family are not scared or worried. I imagine that this is the helplessness that all families deal with at some point and time.

I ask for strength and understanding from whatever powers that may be. I ask that I am able to support those who need it from me. I ask that we get answers to understand what we are dealing with.

On the other hand it affirms what I have been doing for the past few years. I want to end Cancer in any shape and form. I hate this expletive dies ease with every fiber of my being! It has scared the hell out of me for so long. I at least have been able to contribute to the fight in some way.

Sorry to rant, but I needed to express some of my frustration as I sit here and ineffectively wait for answers. I hope to know more by tomorrow evening.

To The Iron Will Finishers

Kimmi & Rachel,

To chase what you are intimidated by. To aspire to something beyond the realm of rational expectation. To push beyond mortal endurance. To take us all and lift us up through your achievement. This is what it means to be a hero. You two exemplify that word beyond measure.

I am truly honored that you allowed me to partake of your experience as an observer. You showed courage, and what a "can do" mental attitude can accomplish. I tracked your progress throughout the day. I checked the site nervously, and with excitement every time I hit the refresh icon. It was amazing to track your success and progress.

I close with this thought. Never can anyone take this away from you. You believed in yourself! You endured what most would flee from. You rose to the challenge! You persevered! Whenever your road ahead is obstructed, you will know that you have the ability to push beyond what you think yourself capable of enduring. Hold that lesson close to your soul. Don't let how bright your souls shine diminish the glow of this moment. You earned the right to call yourself "Ironman"! You have always been special, and this just adds to that collective.

My hat is off to you both. I am humbled and honored to call you friends.

Off The Rack (A Narcissistic Post)

I left work early today to go do my official 1800 Yard over a mile swim workout. Of course, I have hit a mile three times before the workout routine called for it, but this is the week that every time I hit the pool, I will be pushing it through a mile.

The workout does not have it's normal flow, but I am changing it up to challenge myself. I make myself swim my drills in under 15 minutes, but taking care to perform the drills correctly. On to the workout 7 X 100's (supposed to take a 45 second break between the 100's). No break, lets see how strong I've gotten. This is training for endurance, time to endure! Knock out all 700 yards without a break. Take my three minutes off that I am supposed to before starting my 10 X 50's (30 seconds off between 50's). Nope, you guessed it, I don't need no stinking break. knock out my 50's as 100's, and do six of them including my cool down drill and slow freestyle. 1800 yards!!!! I am tired. I am a little sore. I am unbelieving of how far I have come in eight weeks.

Come home and go out to dinner as it is Jenny's birthday. Man steak tastes great when you are hungry. I have cut down on my red meat consumption, but not tonight!!!!

On the way home, we make a stop at a mall that has a Casual Male clothing store. This can be read as clothes for fat guys! I have not bought anything from a store in a long time, and no longer know my pants size. My belt is going around me once and a quarter way again. I love the fact that I can use it as a measuring stick for my success, but it is starting to look a little shoddy.

I go in and ask the clerk to measure my waist. She pulls the tape, and tells my you wear a size 50" waist. I look at her and in a very patient tone explain that "Ms. I am wearing a 48" right now and if I take this belt off you are going to see my briefs!" She very patiently pulls the tape again and tells me it's still 50". I know this can not be right.

I go to the jeans section. I have not worn jeans in so long, maybe 14 years. I pull some 48" x 32's and a pair of 46" x 32's off the rack. I go into the fitting room, and try the 46's on. they fit, but are loose. They fit really nice in the legs. I stopped wearing jeans, because when I was squatting 500+ lbs, my thighs were 28 inches around. Jeans did not fit! If I bought them from my legs, they were too big in the waist. If I bought them for my waist, they were too tight in the legs. At this time the friendly clerk inquires how I am doing. I respond pleasantly with "These are 46's, and there a bit loose."

I wander back over to the rack and pick up some 44" X 32's. I try these on, and amazingly they fit. They are a little tight in the waist, but as I continue to chase my triple crown, I am sure that they will become loose after time.

I decided to not buy pants tonight, but it is nice to know that I can when I choose to. I did indulge in a new belt. It will shrink with me, a smarter investment. I will keep my old friend though. Not that it will probably ever be used again other than a measuring device to gauge my progress.

So.... I Made My Mile

I sit here and double blog tonight. The energy and excitement go to Kimmi & Rachel! I did something important today, but they deserve their own post. I am proud of what I accomplished, but I want your thoughts to point to them, not to me.

I set a goal to hit a mile in the pool in eight weeks, but with 1700 yards for my workout this week, I was so close that I had to push it. I have even been pushing the workout this week. I am supposed to take 45 seconds of rest between 100's of which I have six. Then when I start my 50's, I am supposed to rest 30 seconds between my ten. I am not patient. I am not able to rest that long! I have only been resting 15 seconds between 100's, and 10 between 50's. Sorry Bob!

Tonight, as I neared the end of my 50's, I was on my seventh, I decided that it was time to see what was in the tank. I made myself swim 300 yards without a break. That means that I did my eighth and ninth fifty together. I did my tenth and cool down drill together, and my slow freestyle and an extra fifty to make a mile for the workout.

I am happy! I did the whole thing in 49 minutes. I will work on speed, but I am happy! I had more in the tank, but needed to get home to get the girls to soccer.

I am not sure what my next goal is, but I can tell you there will be another. I can't believe that this is me! I am below 300 lbs again. Actually 297 and change. I am definitely putting on muscle and changing shape. I am still round, but I am changing the amount of roundness. I say that with a gleam in my eye, and a smile.

I have to be honest; my first thought when I got done in the pool was: "A mile in the pool, just became my bitch!" maybe I will shoot for two miles. I don't know yet. I will keep you posted. Maybe it is a mile and a long bike ride. The possibilities are limitless.

I leave you with this thought. Send your energy to Kimmi and Rachel on Sunday. You may not know them, but they have both given energy to me. They both have encouraged me. They have both stepped out on a limb to chase a dream. They are both deserving. They are amazing. My accomplishment is small in comparison to what they will do!

Thanks for sharing the ride.

Iron Will Cometh!

My two friends go to battle this weekend. They are doing the Ironman Wisconsin on Sunday, September 7. I wish I was going to be there! I will be checking http://ironman.com/ironmanlive frequently, I can assure you of that. Go Rachel, Go Kimmi! I am in awe and am humbled by you both!!!!!!!!

I know when my friends Bob and Mike finished this last year, that my thoughts were with them all day. I would keep saying to them through mental telepathy keep going. Your not hurting, your only living! Okay, your done with the swim, now your just spinning and grinning. You got this! You can! You will! You are awesome! Later in the day, it was rack your bike and strap on your shoes. One foot in front of the other, how much easier does this get? Keep going! Your halfway done, what it's all down hill from here!

These people are awesome! These people have an ability! These people are my friends. These people are living, not just merely getting by. I assure you that the honor is all mine.

To Kimmi and Rachel, you just keep going! You believe in yourselves! You endure and you achieve! Crying ain't quitting! Trust in your resolve! You are awesome! You are strong! You are loved! You are doing this for the right reasons! You are more powerful than you realize! Let your light shine! Enjoy your journey! God's speed!

I am looking forward to hearing all about it. I send you love. I send you energy. I send you my gratitude for allowing me to be in your cheering section. You are my heroes!

Love, Marc