Breast Self Exams and Panic!!!!

I work as a contractor for a company that has a gym at each building. During this high fuel cost summer, and driving a F150 pickup, I am riding my bike 2 to 3 times a week to work. It is nice to have the option to save some money, and get some exercise.

I bought a commuter bike for this task. As I did not want to put a pannier rack on my road bike. That bike is strictly for freedom and speed. The commuter bike is a Giant FCR2. The FCR1 has a little nicer component set on it, but the FCR2 is perfect for commuting. The ride from home is 8 miles roughly, and at about a 14 mile an hour pace takes approximately 40 minutes, door to door having to stop for traffic lights.

So before cycling to work, I stop by the gym and ask if it is okay to commute to work via bicycle and take a shower in the locker room. I am told yes it is okay, but as I do not have a membership, I will need to provide my own towel. No problem with that. I tour the locker room, so that I know which one is the guys, and where the showers are.

so the first morning, I decide to ride to work, I pack my bike up with my pannier bags loaded with my laptop bag, and a duffel bag with clothes. One would not think that this would be that much weight, but remarkably, it does weigh a lot. I ride over to work without too many incidents. Only a couple of close calls with motorists not paying attention or not being awake in the morning. I can take bike paths the whole way, but only use them in the real dangerous areas as going up and down the curbs is tricky with the extra weight.

I get to work and un-encumber my ride. I wander downstairs to my desk and drop off my laptop bag. Grab my duffel full of clothes, and my shaving kit with my toiletries and head off to the gym which is only one hallway over from my work station.

I check the sign as I enter the men's locker room, and prepare for my shower. I disrobe, and grab my towel and head into the shower. Of course, I take my glasses off as I head to the shower. Now, I only have an astigmatism, but this vision issue causes everything to loose it's edge and words fuzz together. I put my towel on a hook, and turn the shower on. I get under the water, and turn around to get my back wet. I notice some placards on the hooks next to my towel. They look like "Do Not Disturb" signs you hang on a hotel room door. With my vision impairment, I am not able to read them from the eight feet away. So I wander over to investigate what the heck they say.

To my shock and horror, they are breast self examination instructions, complete with female pictographs. Not to say that I am afraid of the female breast, but I am now questioning if I am not asleep much like the motorists that almost have hit me this morning. Let's just say that the pucker factor went from zero to 100 in about .0005 seconds. Am I standing naked in the ladies locker room shower? Oh Christ, how could I mess up this bad! I am only a contractor, if someone walks in I am sure to get shit canned for this kind of mistake! Oh hell, what am I to do? Screw it, I am past the point of no return on this one. Hurry up shower, and hope to hell no ladies come in.

To say I now posses the land speed record in showering, is an understatement. I fly across the shower, lather up and rinse off before the water and soap have a chance to hit my body in under 30 seconds. Fly across the shower, grab my towel, swipe it across my body, and sprint towards my clothes. I throw my briefs on, and pull my trousers up, and can feel my heart racing. This shower is turning into a better cardio workout than the ride to work. Just as I get my trousers up but not buttoned, I hear the door crack open.... "Ah, ah, just.... ah... moment!" I say. Around the corner walks a man. I must have let out an audible gasp, because he looks up and says "Are you okay?" I reply in a tremulous voice "Yeah, I am okay... but can you tell me why the hell there are breast self exam cards in the men's locker room?" The guy laughs and replies "There are?" I come back with the witty retort of "Hell yes! I thought I was in the wrong damn locker room! "We both have a good laugh, and I finish getting ready for the days work.

When I get back to my desk, I swear to God, it took a good 30 minutes to get my heart rate back down to normal. I shared my misfortune with my co-workers, which all got a good laugh at my expense.

I did learn that day, that some men do contract breast cancer. Apparently men that are more androgynous and have more female hormons are at risk, so the AMA has recommended that this group of men perform breast self exams. Who knew? I certainly did not!

Everytime I enter the locker room at work though, I am now conditioned to make sure that it says Men's on the door. I don't think my heart could take another jolt like it did that morning!