41 hours on 45 minutes

Okay, so this may not be the most coherent of posts. I have fallen into a rut that I used to live in constantly. I was awoken by a call from a friend last night after a 45 minute repose and I cannot go back to sleep. It was an unintentional call, but now some flaw in my make up will not shut off. I have been on the go for abut 41 hours now, and know from past experience, I won't shut off until my body gives out.

When I fight my personality flaws, as I have been lately, this issue arises. When I was working for the Death Star company, I lived this nightmare in perpetuity. These bouts of insomnia were the norm not the exception. When you cross the line where sleep is irrelevant, and you rest while awake clarity creeps in.

In my own insecurity, the realization that I don't matter in the greater mix becomes clear. This does not mean that I don't matter as an individual! It just means that I am a mere player on a stage where my absence or presence is irrelevant. My goal is to matter to those players around me and not the stage as a whole.

It is when you cross into this void of normalcy that you find out who you are and what your issues are. I hope that nobody else falls into this odd situation. I've been here before, and on occasion enjoy a short visit to the land of time between time. Here I find the solitude I seek. Here if find that my faults are real. Here I have to face my own inner worries. The trick is to realize that I am not fully rational while I am visiting this place. I can take the odd thought while here and formulate a resolution to it in the real waking world.

The positive thing is that I have not visited this odd place in two plus years. The scary part is I recognize where I am. It brings to mind the poem by Robert Frost:

"... The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep,And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep."

My mind is lovely, dark and deep. I do have promises to keep. I have miles to go before I sleep. So off I go to find resolution, rest and repose from things I cannot control and things that I can. To brighter days and better posts.