This gift was one of the coolest things I have ever been given. My sister took all the photos that I have collected from events over the last three years at TNT events. She took select posts from this blog. She put them together in a book for me. I have never been ashamed of my emotions. I have to honestly tell you that looking at this book and how far and how much I have accomplished made me break down and cry.
I have really been struggling this season. I have been trying to run on only anger or self contempt. I don't know what my mental block has been. I know that I cannot do this on those two emotions alone. I need to open myself and be compassionate, I need to accept my own frailty. I have to set smaller goals and celebrate them along the way. I have been trying to do it all in one step, which I know does not work. I have constantly been looking at the speedometer and the odometer and beating myself up mentally.
This book broke down a wall for me. It brought out a flood of emotion that I needed to release. I've said that most of an endurance event is mental. I have not had the mental edge I need to do what I have set out to do. I have been expecting less from myself because of this mental block. This has not been productive!
I can guarantee that I will still have struggles, this break through does not ensure that there will not be relapses of doubt. But by getting over this block, I can move forward. While watching TV earlier in the day before meeting my sister, I was watch "I Should Not Be Alive". This episode was about a former SAS solider that had shattered his pelvis on a mountain side, and was 8 miles from help. He recalled that his former instructors had taught that you need to develop a plan and keep moving forward based on that plan. I'm developing my plan, and I will keep moving forward based on it.
I'm ever evolving, ever introverted, ever pursuing a difference. I am a conundrum to myself.
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