Getting Out Of My Own Head

I sit in my room in Tahoe. I have been here before. I know physically I can do this. I know that people are counting on me. I know if I can just get out of my own damn head I can do this. I am afraid. I am worried that I will let my TEAM down. I am worried that I will let my sponsors down. I am worried that I will let myself down.

I cannot get out of my own head. I keep saying the nastiest of things to and about myself in my own mind. I have to stop. I cannot be the negative guy. I have to find mental strength. I know the physical strength is there, it has been for many years. I keep thinking about me and not about the others that I am supposed to be doing this for.

I run on emotion, but I know for a fact this negativity is not something that I can get through this on. I have a lot of love and respect for my TEAM. I know that I have added humor in stressful and tough times, but I am not strong mentally. I am trying to focus on the positive, but I keep hearing myself in my own voice degrading me from the inside. The thoughts are vicious and hurtful. Self destructive in every way imaginable. This is not supposed to be like this. What the Hell, it feels like I am back to the same broken human being that started out in 2007, but with no spirit or soul. I do not like this man. I don't want to be this man. I want to rise above this man and truly be alive.

I am trying to support my TEAM with every fiber, but I cannot advertise my own inadequacies right now. I am here to lift them up not myself. I am here to do a job that I believe in. But I have to vent these negative emotions, so I am doing it here. It is a public venue. It is not an easy thing, but maybe if I get them out, they will go away! If not, I will do my job and lift my TEAM up. I will give 110% to them. I will get them through.

Honor is not something that comes without self sacrifice. Honor comes through putting others in front of your own needs. It's taking the bullet so someone else can live. It is giving up the last space in the life boat to someone more worthy. It is going back into the burning building regardless of the risk to yourself. I need to be focused on others tonight and tomorrow and let my chips fall where they may.

I am not quitting on my goal. I have four miles out here that I owe to myself, well that and another 96. But in reality that is secondary to ensuring that everyone of my TEAMMATES knows how much I believe in them. How much I respect them. How much I value their participation.

I am not quitting. I've said before that crying is not quitting. Doubt is not quitting. The only thing that is quitting is not having the courage to get up, get dressed, get on the bike and get out on the course. I will find that courage. The next step to not quitting is to get through the first mile, then the second, the third etcetera. The final step is to stay the fuck out of my own head. Thank the volunteers. Thank the people cheering. Encourage the people struggling around me. Think of the honorees. Think of my sister, and my grandfather. Think of anyone but myself. To enjoy the scenery, the company, the atmosphere, the journey.

Someone once told me that God does not make trash. I have often laughed at that and responded in my own mind, he made me so that cannot be an accurate statement. I have been carried by so many people in my life that someone had to have put them in my path. In my own disparaging mind, I have not often had the wisdom to find His plan. I am not overly religious, as I know that I am not overly worthy of any divine attention. He grants us free will, and often I have looked the wrong way. I hope that there will be one set of foot prints tomorrow and that He will be carrying all of us tomorrow including me.

Thanks for reading my rant. I do feel some better. I know I will find some heart. I may have to borrow some spirit from those around me. I may need to have some prayers from you. I will have to push through some physical discomfort. I will stay the Hell out of my own head somehow. Maybe I will find a mantra. Maybe I will encourage others and get back encouragement in return. It's only 100 miles. It's only one day of my life. It's only something I have done before. It is only me, my tires, my pedals and my will no matter how fractured at times. I will not quit. I will get up get dressed, get on my bike, get on the course. The rest will just be my chips falling as they may. I will find a way of getting out of my own head.

81 And A Smile Finally

So I got my bike back from the shop. Broken spoke repaired, but mental dilemma still needing repair. I rode 10 miles last night. No issues. A spark to get out and try and go for 90.

Got up and made the decision to take the day off and go earn your donations. Rode 42 miles in 2 hours 30 minutes with a short stop at Subway to get a snack at mile 20. Mile 42 take a lunch break and go to Subway again. I have a a conference call I cannot skip even though I have taken vacation. So I hammer out a quick 10 around Turtle Lake again. Stop and catch the call, and slam a bottle of Accelerade and another of water. Contribute the call dreading the 30 to 40 I have left to my goal. Ride over to the gym to get the visit credited to my account for my 12 monthly. 60 miles in and 20 - 30 to go. Ride back to the Arsenal and notice traffic is starting to get heavy. I could have ridden it but decide that I want to avoid it. I ride loops in the Arsenal. I get to 72 miles and head for home. I have a meeting to get to at 18:30. I have been on the road since 08:30 roughly and I need a shower. I am covered in road grime. I push around Turtle Lake for the fourth time. I am not as fast as I want, but I am pulling 15 miles an hour. I get home and still need 1 mile to make over 80. I push through it and put the bike in the garage.

There was only one moment of self pity. There was an even better moment when I told myself "Shut the Fuck Up and think of someone else. Think of Jack, or Lucy, or Brandon, or you sister! Your only tired and sore! Shut the Fuck Up and push through it!" Sorry for the language, but that was the thought. There has been a mental block this season. There has been self pity! I have never ridden this far by myself. I needed to do this without support. I needed to stand on my own an prove to myself my own worth. There is still that demon that I am not better than anyone. That I am not equal to anyone. I am not worthy to represent anyone. I am not guaranteed success, I have to work for it. I have to want it. I have to earn it through effort. No one will give it to me. I need to grab the opportunity. I need to look it in the eye. I need to put my fear of inadequacy aside and man up and do the work.

Today, I found the right set of circumstances. I found the right mental attitude. I found the strength. I found the courage. Nobody was there to see the pain. Nobody was there to see the fear. Nobody was there to carry me or lift my spirits. I needed to find my own spirit. I can even say that by pulling 91 miles in 24 hours, I am happy, sore, tired, feeling somewhat more normal. I'm even smiling about the whole thing.

Emotion Block Removed From A Gift

I had a very nice experience yesterday. My sister asked me to come over for a visit to give me an early birthday present. We arranged a time, and I went over. We chatted for a bit, and she and her husband gave me my gift. For the last four years, I have not asked for any gifts. I have asked that they make a donation to LLS instead.

This gift was one of the coolest things I have ever been given. My sister took all the photos that I have collected from events over the last three years at TNT events. She took select posts from this blog. She put them together in a book for me. I have never been ashamed of my emotions. I have to honestly tell you that looking at this book and how far and how much I have accomplished made me break down and cry.

I have really been struggling this season. I have been trying to run on only anger or self contempt. I don't know what my mental block has been. I know that I cannot do this on those two emotions alone. I need to open myself and be compassionate, I need to accept my own frailty. I have to set smaller goals and celebrate them along the way. I have been trying to do it all in one step, which I know does not work. I have constantly been looking at the speedometer and the odometer and beating myself up mentally.

This book broke down a wall for me. It brought out a flood of emotion that I needed to release. I've said that most of an endurance event is mental. I have not had the mental edge I need to do what I have set out to do. I have been expecting less from myself because of this mental block. This has not been productive!

I can guarantee that I will still have struggles, this break through does not ensure that there will not be relapses of doubt. But by getting over this block, I can move forward. While watching TV earlier in the day before meeting my sister, I was watch "I Should Not Be Alive". This episode was about a former SAS solider that had shattered his pelvis on a mountain side, and was 8 miles from help. He recalled that his former instructors had taught that you need to develop a plan and keep moving forward based on that plan. I'm developing my plan, and I will keep moving forward based on it.

I'm ever evolving, ever introverted, ever pursuing a difference. I am a conundrum to myself.

A Different Form Of Success

I cannot sit here and say I was successful in what I wanted to do today. I am not ashamed to sit here and say what I got to do today turned into success. My ride was all up hill today literally. I rode out of Afton, MN with doubt in my head. I put it in my lowest gear and I climbed slower than I would like, but I climbed. I got to the top of the hill and felt a wobble in my rear wheel, and fearing a flat pulled over to correct the issue. Much to my dismay, it was a broken spoke and a wheel out of true. My ride ended roughly five miles in.

This could have been very destructive, but maybe with age and experience came some wisdom. I asked to be sagged back to Afton. I called one bike shop nearby, and got the maybe we have the spoke, maybe we don't. I hung my ride up and got in my truck to run additional Sag support.

What I would do now was support my TEAM. I would drive ahead, and I would wait. I would offer whatever meager support I could. When the last person passed me, I would drive ahead and wait for everyone to pass. I got to see a different side of my TEAM today. I got to see hard work, dedication, commitment, perseverance, struggle, circumstances out of our control, (including my own mechanical issue), bonding, and success.

There were people that did need to be sagged ahead. There were people that showed courage by getting back on their bikes. There were people who pushed through mental monsters. There were people that just put there noses to the grind stone an pushed and achieved.

I got to know my TEAMmates a little better today. I had a chance to speak with those I was sagging. I got to take it all in without holding a pity party for myself. I got to make a difference in how some got through the day. It might not have been my intended success when I rolled out of bed, but in the end, I think it was a much more meaningful outcome.

To witness a whole group stand and cheer for the final person coming in after 90 miles, and see that person breakdown and realize what they had just accomplished, is the reason I love being a part of this organization. It teaches, to think beyond yourself. It gives a common goal. It makes us grow in many different ways. It has taught me that some things are outside of my control, and I just need to roll with it.

Today was not what I expected. Today was a pretty valuable lesson. I have not had much success fighting mental issues this season, but I can honestly say I enjoyed the hell out of a day that did not go my way. Today I was privileged to watch others succeed and to really enjoy watching it.

Ignorance Is Bliss!!!

Okay, tomorrow the TEAM will ride 90 miles. We have not had a very good record on weather! It is either wind in abundance or rain or both. Again, it is people that step outside their comfort zone that achieve amazing things.

I know what is ahead of me tomorrow. I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. I am both excited about the challenge, and filled with doubt of if I have it in me mentally. I know after three years that I have it physically. The mental game is always the deciding factor. Seems strange that the lesson that I have learned over the last four years that if the brain is not engaged, the body has no chance of succeeding!

Having Jackson our honoree around tomorrow will be a great benefit. If this young man can face cancer, I can face my fear of repeating what I did three years ago. I know right away in the morning I will climb out of Afton, MN and I will make it to Bay City, WI. Then after a short break, I will get to face my fears and climb out of Hagger City, WI. I will have to remember Lucy, I will have to remember my sister, I will have to remember my grandfather, I will have to remember everyone that has faced something bigger than pain and a hill. I will have to harness both my fear and the honor it is to do this for someone else! I will have to put my head in the game and push through the ups and enjoy the downs. It is only pain and miles I face nothing that will kill me.

I hope to post success tomorrow. No, I don't hope, I will! Attitude is everything. It is okay to have fear, but it is attitude that will make the difference. It does not matter that I have been ill this week. It does not matter that I am tired. It does not matter that I want a break when the climbs come. I am not ignorant, but success will bring the same bliss as ignorance!!!

Getting Beat!

We went out for a team ride today from Stillwater to Taylors Falls, over to Wisconsin and back to Taylors falls. I can honestly say that I got beat today. The wind was unrelenting!!!!!!! In five years of riding, I have never been buffeted quite so violently. To have to ride at between five and six miles an hour is horrible. I have to say that physically, I was on target by the way I felt. My hydration was good. My nutrition was going well. I was tired, but mentally, there was something missing. This is the first time that I can say I chose to quit. I rode 63 of the 75 miles, but I had checked out at about 51 miles.

My first year this decision to quit would have been soul crushing. Now, while it does not make me proud to say I chose to quit, I can handle the decision, and it's ramifications. I would honestly say this 63, was the equivalent of 80 miles. For the week if you include Sunday's Iron man I have logged 140 - 150 miles. My rest has not been significant enough to handle that much. My eating has been less than spectacular in the right choices that need to be made while training while not on the bike.

There comes a time in physical endeavors that you have to make decisions on if it is time to push or time to retreat. Today, I know I could have chosen to push through, but at what amount of mental anguish? Mental anguish is not a great excuse when you compare it to why I do this stuff, but in four years, I have not retreated, maybe todays lesson was one I needed to learn.

What was the lesson? I think it was to put my ego aside, and do what was right for me at the time. To accept that today was not my day, but I gave it what I had to give. I left it on the road, and I can still look myself in the eye and know that I am not a failure. I simply was not on my game in all facets. Tonight, I will rest, tomorrow I may ride a real light 10 to 15 to move the lactic acid out of my thighs. I may decide that rest is more important if the wind is still up as it looks like it may be.

TNT 2010 Season Update 3

There have been a lot of cool things going on, I just have not had any time to get an update out here, so here goes!

The team has been working really hard. We have been riding outside now for about five or six weeks. We have moved the rides around a bit to keep it fresh and fun. We have ridden in Minneapolis, Minnetonka, Plymouth, Shoreview, Oakdale, Lakeville, and this weekend, we will ride from Stillwater, MN over into Wisconsin for about 70 miles. The team is bonding and having fun.

Not all rides are fun. Last week a few of us went down to ride Ironman, in Lakeville. The conditions were less than pleasant with rain and a lot of wind. Two very special things stick out from this ride.

The first is that at the end, I heard several of my teammates indicate that when they really felt like quitting due to being cold and wet and getting blown sideways by the wind and pushed backwards by the wind that they thought of the reason why they were doing the training for this event. It stops being about you and your discomfort and it starts being about someone fighting for their life. It is amazing after four years how powerful a message that is. It is not about us as individuals, it is about what can we add to the whole.

The second special thing was that as I was pealing off my layers of wet gear was that a man stopped after seeing my Leukemia & Lymphoma Society bike jersey and reached out and touched the logo on my chest and said; "That is a really cool organization! Thank you." I don't know what his tie to the organization is, but it brings back memories of a man thanking me in Tahoe back in 2007 for doing a ride to raise funds to beat these cancers. It is very humbling to know that through the society I can make a difference with your help.

I cannot say that this year cycling has always been as easy as I hoped it would be. I have really gotten beat up on a few rides and wondered if I would have the strength to push through to the end. I am not always riding as fast as I want. That is when I need to stop and remember it is not for me. It is so we can end these cancers. I am enjoying being a mentor and getting to know my team. I love riding with some of my friends from previous seasons, but I am really enjoying my new teammates as well. Lots of laughs and good rides yet to come.

Hard to believe that we have only 36 days until we push out from State Line, Nevada and venture around Lake Tahoe. I remember the season being so long the first year. Now, I am feeling that it has not been long enough. I know we will all be ready, no matter how hard we have to work to get to that point.

May 26, 2010 is the close of the fund raising for this season, so if you have not yet had time to make a donation, and are still willing, please visit my fund raising site. As always, you are the ones that do the important work. I am merely a conduit for your generosity. There is a quote that I recently found, that I really like;

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pike

This is something we have done together and it truly will be immortal when we end cancer! The job is not done yet. We are making progress. I am thankful for all of you being a part of the fight.

Go TEAM!