Volunteering and Fighting Demons

I volunteered for the Turtle Man Triathlon this year. After living on the course for 12 years originally thinking this was a major inconvenience and now coming to accept it for what it is a remarkable feat and enjoyable to witness. Of course with my luck, I was on the furthest point of the course from my house. This is not a tragedy, but kind of funny that I could have walked or ridden to any other part of the course but two, and I drew one.

It was fun to watch the competitors, but somehow, I think it might be easier to compete in the event than to cheer people on. Maybe it is some deficiency in my character that starts to internalize watching what these folks are going through and not want to pitch in and suffer through it with them.

I have been fighting with my age old demons of late. I have let some negative self talk inhibit my growth. I have been making it to the pool regularly, I only hit 4800 yards last week, but listened to my body asking for rest on Friday and Sunday. It paid off today, I did my week four workout of 5 X 100 with only 10 seconds of rest fairly smooth over the complete 1200 yards. Imagine 20+ minutes of swimming with only 40 seconds off. I am tired, but it is definitely improving. I have not ridden much of late, but that will come as it continues to cool as fall approaches.

I don't know why I cannot just find happiness in being who and what I am. Funny that I have nothing terrible in my life, but I seem to dwell on the negative instead of celebrating the positive. I have more friends now than ever. I have a much improved life. I am setting goals and achieving them. Why then let the demons come in to run amok? I push them down and continue to chase what I believe in, but the things I say to myself internally... Sometimes, I question why was I granted time on earth? Maybe I will make a difference. Maybe I have. Maybe I am fulfilling what I am supposed to do. Maybe, I just think too damn much.

Whatever the case may be, I'm here and I better make the most of the time I have left. My friend Bob brought this quote to my attention. Maybe if I focus on this, I can break through the dark layers and burn more brightly:

“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” – Jack London

Do not let the dark side of my personality diminish your thoughts of me. I am still the silly lovable ogre you all know and tolerate. I will beat back the gremlins as I have done all my life. I will find my high and low points, and they will aggregate themselves into a remarkable experience. Were all on the ride together. It is okay to seek solace amongst fellow travellers. Grant yourself forgiveness, I'm still trying to find it for myself.

Enough being morose! Tomorrow is a new day. I have opportunities ahead. Plans and dreams to make. Work to do to make the plans and dreams a reality. It is okay to question your faults, but not to dwell and become stagnate.