I Am Not, And Yet I Am

I am not anything special. I am not amazing. I am not a leader. I am not noble. I am not a strong person. I am not someone to be looked up to. I am not capable. I am not to be taken seriously. I am not brave. I am not courageous. I am not someone that can do great things. I AM NOT GOING TO BE NEGATIVE!

I have said all of these things to myself on many occasions. The odd thing is that somehow deep inside, I know now they are not true. I've changed over the last three years. You have been a part of that change, whether you are aware or not.

A silly postcard daring me to ride 100 miles in a day provided me with hope so that others could have hope as well. I asked you all to follow me by donating money to help me train and travel to Tahoe to complete this task. When that task was complete, I had found a purpose. Belief in my abilities was reborn.

I signed up voluntarily to not only do a marathon in San Diego, but to mentor others the next year. This turned out to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to step outside of my reserved self even more. I had to go slow because I was not capable of going fast. I needed to be there for others while being strong enough for myself. Again you were there to back me and follow my foolish folly of completing a marathon.

This year, again, I am stepping out and daring to accomplish something that will not be easy. Lifetime Olympic distance triathlon is right around the corner.

Am I afraid? Yes, I suppose part of me is. What are you afraid of? I am not sure of anything specific.

I am worried about staying calm during the swim. Open water swimming is more about concentration on sighting to make sure you stay the right line and don't have to over swim to correct mistakes for going off course.

Cycling is not overly disconcerting other than hoping that there are no major mechanical malfunctions. I may not go as fast as I want, but I know I will get there. I will need to save everything for the run.

Running, yeah there is some trepidation here. I know that I can go the distance. Can I run it all, I am not sure. Do I want to? Hell yes I do. Although, I know there is no shame in having to walk some. That has been the most valuable lesson I have learned about endurance events. As long as you are moving forward, you are making progress towards the goal.

I think that my biggest fear comes after I achieve this; What can I do next to feel like I am alive? TNT is not going to end for me. I know at my core that this is what I need to be doing. Our honorees are who matter, not me. I know that by training and focusing on others is how I feel alive.

You have all been so supportive, that I am humbled that you have so much faith in me. You have made me feel special. You have made me feel amazing. You have made me feel like a leader. You have made me feel noble. You have made me feel like a strong person. You have made me feel looked up to. You have made me feel capable. You have made me take myself seriously. You have made me feel brave. You have made me feel like I am courageous. You have made me feel like I can do great things. But the best part of this, is that I have not done this alone. You have been there right beside me with your funding, kind words, and by putting your belief in a simple mortal.

I am looking forward to this challenge! I am looking forward to crossing that finish line. I am looking forward to finding a new challenge. I am a mere mortal, but when I do these events for a short time, I feel that my presence on earth may actually be inspiring.