Trying To Find Focus

I am struggling. I have stated that I do not want to be negative and that I don't want to get down on myself. In my typical fashion, I am finding trouble finding a new goal. It is not that they are not out there, it is just that I am not focusing.

I want to lose more weight, but I don't seem willing to give up things to do it. I cannot find drive to get to the gym and push myself. I find myself getting to the gym and just going through the motions. Swimming a 1000 yards seems a chore. I have not been on my bike outside because the weather has just plain been blah! I am hoping to get out this weekend for a couple of short rides.

I want to make a positive contribution, as I find that this brings me happiness. I want to continue my participation with TNT, but I am afraid that by having done a marathon, a century, and a triathlon that I will find there is no fear of failure.

Funny that I need that fear to find the drive to push myself. What does that mean? Is that my perfectionist mentality shining through? I have stretched myself through three years of physical challenges. I have learned so much about myself and my capabilities that I am amazed that I am experiencing this lack of focus. Maybe it is natural to come from such a high to wondering what can I do next. I am not interested in bettering my times in these events as it was never about the time, it was about completing what I set out to do to earn your sponsorship.

I am hoping to find focus. I need to find the appropriate challenge to commit to. I am debating going back to century riding, because that is truly what I love. It is not about the finish, but enjoying the ride. My riding has suffered over the last two years with the marathon and the triathlon. I am still a strong rider, but I know that I am so much better than I have produced over the last two years.

I am debating trying to mentor for the cycle season and go back to Tahoe and ride all 100 miles of that course. I don't want to shirk my responsibilities as a parent, so I need to really talk this over with Jenny and the kids. I am afraid if I don't do this, that I will be letting something important to me fade. Sometimes it is hard to find the right application of effort. I know I am most efficient when I am happy and feel like I am making a difference.

Maybe the focus is there, but fear of commitment is the root of the problem. Maybe it is over thinking and not just deciding on a course of action and implementing a plan to make it a reality. I will have to find my way. I will have to decide.