Running On Emotion

For most that know me, I run on emotion a lot. It used to be nothing but anger, but that has changed over the past few years. I still run on anger once and a while, but it is now focused in a positive manner for the most part.

Tonight was a TEAM swim. I will be very honest and say that I did not want to go tonight. I was extremly low on energy all day. Part of it is not eating right, and getting too little sleep over the last few days. Jenny and I went to dinner as the kids are staying with my parents over spring break. I had somehow developed a knot in my back between my shoulder blades late in the day, and I was not comfortable. At dinner I looked at Jen and stated that I may skip the swim tonight as I was exhausted. Jenny told me to do what I needed to do.

We came home and Jenny sat down to read. I went down stairs to watch last nights biggest loser that I had recorded. It motivated me a little, but I still was feeling lethargic. I shut the television off and went in to my office. I brought up a browser with Yahoo coming up as the home page. There was a a video article about Ms. Virginia fighting childhood cancer, so I clicked on it. She is trying to raise funds to fight cancer in children. I started to think. Hmm she has a similar goal to mine. She's out there working on her goal, what are you doing... ? I started thinking about my sister, and said to myself oh too bad, your tired! Well isn't that special.

I went upstairs and checked with Jen if she would be okay if I decided to go to the third swim session as I had missed my usual TEAM swim. She told me to do what I needed to do, but there was a little smile on her face when she said it to me. I threw my trunks and a towel into my bag and rushed out the door.

On the drive over to the pool, I called my sister. I thanked her for being my motivation, with catch in my voice and a tear in my eye I told her I loved her. Then I put on some real angry music (e.g. Rammstein, Nickelback, Marilyn Manson). I used it to generate some energy.

I have to say that this swim was not easy, but I felt very strong throughout. Three 100's, four 150's w/ 20 seconds off between building speed on the second two. Six 100's 15 seconds off between, building speed after every two. Four 50's ten seconds off between building speed on the second two. One slow 50 with ten seconds off, and then one 50 full out. No shoulder pain! A few clicks, but nothing that can't be tolerated.

I sit as I am blogging listening to classical music reflecting on my emotions. I still run on them. I still feed off of them. I think tonight I ran on more love than anger. I am not doing this for me. I am reaping the benefits of it, but it is not about me. It is about ending something I hate for what it does to people. Running on emotion is not a negative thing, it's all about the focus of that energy. Emotion is just another form of energy, and it can be used in a positive manner, or wasted a negative form. I think tonight, I might have gotten it right.