Mini Me And One That Looks Like Me

Often I post about training. While tonight, I did swim to make up a missed session and also rode for the hour the schedule called for, I won't say much other than the ride was awesome despite the wind, and the swim was lack luster at best due to shoulder issues.

Tonight instead, I will write about my children. I have one that is my mini me, "E". I have another that looks like me "I".

"E", is like me in so many ways, and yet her own unique person. We have a bond forged out of my inexperience as a parent blessed without power and a wife back in the hospital due to a post Cesarean section infection. A tornado hit Shoreview the day we brought her home from the hospital almost 11 years ago and my life has never been the same, "thank God"! She unfortunately has all my weakness and anger, but there is a spark deep within that glows and will someday shine beyond the brilliance of the sun.

"E" was crying as I checked on her tonight after she had gone to bed. I don't do so well with tears as I am not conditioned to understand this as a coping mechanism. Crying is not quitting in my book, but I don't fully understand it as stress relief.

I inquired what was wrong. She was worried about a school project that she did not have done. I asked if she had brought it home and she stated no as they would have more class time to finish it. I asked, then what was the issue? She stated, that she was not sure that she would be able to finish it in class. I asked her if she could have brought it home? She said yes, but did not feel at the time that she did not think she needed to, because of the extra class time.

I asked that she compose herself, and I would come back and discuss it with her. I gave her about a minute, and she had calmed down. I went back into her room and asked if she had tried her best today on this project? She said that she believed she had. I asked if she would try her hardest to complete it in class tomorrow? She said that she would. I then told her that if you do your best, nobody can ever complain about that. I asked that she take it as a lesson though regardless of the outcome, success or failure.

If you get it done, maybe next time you bring it home so you don't stress about it and can do a more thorough job of preparing. If you don't get it done, I won't be mad, but I want you to remember it, so that even though you have the extra class time you will put in some extra time to succeed.

I can tell you that mini me is exactly like I was and still am. I hope she learns that she is amazing before she faces the strife that I have inflicted upon myself.

"I" the one that looks like me. There is no denying that this one is my progeny! She is a precious gem that I adore, but due to this we struggle to understand each other. She is mommy's little angel and justifiably so. I don't always get it right with this one. I need to extend more of myself to this one. She is one of the most compassionate little people I know. She is tender. She is giving. She is fragile.

"I" came down tonight to give me a hug before bed. I was watching "Biggest Loser" after they had, as I was recording it as I was out riding. "I" is a big fan of the show. "I" is a little heavier than she should be, but when she hits her growth spurts, she slims out and is fine.

I asked her if she was ready to ride her bike around the lake with me this year? I have been hesitant to take her on this trip as she is not confident on her bike yet. She immediately started to cry and said that no she was not ready. I asked her why? She said it would it is too far. I said we could train for it and that I knew she could make it. She said no, she could not. I said it is only seven miles, I know you can make it. She said that riding a bike is too hard. I asked if it would be easier to walk it instead of riding it? She said that she said yes walking is easier. I asked her why she felt this way? She said that she was better at it than riding.

I asked her why she liked "Biggest Loser" so much? She said it is nice to see people succeed. I asked do you think you can succeed? She said no. I said I know you can, you just have to believe in yourself. Do you think you can ride with me around the circle with me twice, (we live on a half mile circle) ? She said yes, that is easy. I asked can you do that four times? She said yes, but that will be harder. I said then you are one third around the lake. I told her that if she can make it around the lake, she can pick her reward. We will make this goal an achievement by the end of the summer.

I am not a gifted father. I do not have the patience nor the deduction my parents had to make the job seem easy. On rare occasions, I am able to step outside myself and get it right. Tonight, I think I got it right twice. I was able to help one see that trying your best is all anyone can ask of you. I was able to help the other set a goal for themselves. Now it comes down accepting the consequence for one, and helping the other reach a goal. All I can say is that I am glad that I have one that is my mini me and one that looks like me. They are both amazing, challenging and my daughters.

Pushing Too Hard

Running has become interesting. It is not something that I have done much since my left knee decided to head in the opposite direction from the rest of my body on a football field many years ago. The first mile is never fun, but I am learning that this is true for everyone. I have to believe that it is very similar to the first five to six miles on a bike ride. You have a layer of glycogen on your muscles that needs to be burned off before the muscle starts to work efficiently. When you get through this layer, the pain goes away and you can actually start enjoying the activity.

On a recent TEAM run, we were supposed to stay in zone two of our heart rates. I am just not able to run in zone two. I can maybe walk, or trot in zone two, but not actually feel like I am jogging. We started out at Minnehaha park and the Olympic distance group, ( we have Sprint, Olympic, and Half Iron groups) was supposed to run up to Lake Street bridge and then come back to the point of origin. I was able to keep it low until I got frustrated being by myself, and wanted to get back to the point of origin and be done. Not because I was not enjoying the run or the morning, but I was tired of not feeling like I was pushing hard enough.

For assistance, the green bar is zone 3, yellow bar is zone 4, and red bar at top is zone 5. This run came out at about 5.3 miles, in about 1 hour 15 minutes.

The week after the graph above, we did a nice 1.5 mile warm up approximately. Then we stopped and discussed the actual workout we would do. Again we started at Minnehaha Park and ran out to Minnehaha Academy and then headed back towards the park. Lock and Damn #11 is about a half mile from the park. There is quite a large hill that leads down to the river, and this would be the workout for today.


The Sprint group was to do four hill repeats. The Olympic group was to do six repeats, and the Half Iron man group was to do eight repeats. Go down to the bottom of the hill, and keep a steady pace back to the top and swing your arms to help pull you up the hill. Then you use your next down hill to help recover (slow your heart rate back down).

I can tell you that this was a beautiful morning! It was warmer than it has been so far, and I was feeling strong, despite having a few adult beverages the night before. I ran my six repeats, and the TEAM was really impressive. Those on the way up the hill worked hard and those on the recovery down hill were cheering for those working on their way back up. These cheers definitely help you put the pain aside and allow you to push through to your goal.

I decided that I wanted to do a seventh repeat. In my mind it was one more repeat than my sisters chemo sessions, (and this one would be for her). I would use that for motivation. Lisa, one of my TEAMmates who I have ridden Tahoe, and done the San Diego marathon with decided she would do one more with me. We had a nice chat on the way down and talked about my sister and one of her personal honorees.


We started back up the hill. We were moving at a steady even pace. About 30 yards from the top of the I asked her if she had a sprint left in her. We picked it up a little and I hit my after burner and made it to the top. I had to walk around a bit after that. The seventh peak (see below) is my heart rate at 171 beats a minute in zone 5. I got my breathing under control, and decided I was not done yet as a few of the Half Iron group were still out on the hill. I would do one more repeat, and this one would be for me.


I walked about half way down the hill, and then started to jog the rest of the way to the bottom. Drew one of the Training Captains, picked me up and finished the jog to the bottom. Drew is a machine. I don't know how many repeats he ran, but he made them all seem effortless. Drew kept setting goals for me as we climbed. He asked me to pick the pace up steadily and we were doing well. Mike our coach even ran up with Drew and I. Mike completed the Wisconsin Ironman with coach Bob two years ago. As we neared the top, Rachel came down to give encouragement. Rachel completed Ironman Wisconsin last year. We were about 50 yards from the top and I decided to push it. I started sprinting, trying to catch Rachel. I made it to the top, and felt okay.

Well, I felt okay, until I looked down at my heart rate monitor and saw 206 beats a minute. I kept moving and brought my breathing under control. I kept a close eye on my heart rate and watched it slowly fall. I still felt okay, but decided I would walk back to the park instead of stressing myself further.


Upon downloading the data from my heart rate monitor to my computer, I found that my peak rate was 209 beats a minute. This was not good. This was not real safe. Had I not sprinted, it would have been better. I am proud of the eight repeats, but not for the stupid moment of losing control. There is a time to push, but you can definitely push too hard and this was one of those times.



Total run distance 5.7 miles 1 hour 19 minutes.

Small Steps Lead To An Incredible Journey

I will be honest and say that I have been struggling to find myself and my position on this years TEAM. The people are really nice and all have a common goal. I have felt like an outsider a couple of times this season, and then I stopped and thought about why.

I was not putting myself out there to engage others. I was letting my shyness get in the way of making new friends. I was comfortable with the familiar faces on the TEAM, but was a little standoffish with my new TEAMMATES. The problem was not that I was afraid of them, the problem was that I needed to initiate conversation and interaction to bring down my barriers and welcome them in.

I thought about how I was going to accomplish this during a couple of my individual run sessions. I decided that I would make a conscious effort to put myself out there. I would initiate conversations. I would do the extra work, and support anyone that was having a rough day. Even though I am not a mentor this year, I can still carry out with the mentor's mission of inclusion and support. If it takes another hill repeat to bring the last person in, I am going to go back down the hill and come back up with them. If it means that I have to run slower than I already do so nobody is left alone, I will do that. I have found over the last couple of weeks that this is helping me find my place and my position on the team.

I don't consider myself much of a problem solver. I don't consider myself very good at breaking the larger issues down to smaller more manageable tasks that amalgamate into a resolution to the whole. It's funny that I think those things, because in reality that is what my day to day job is all about. It's amazing when you take the small steps to accomplish a goal, that they lead you down the path to an incredible journey. Whether it is an issue at the office, or in your personal life, if you take the time to puzzle it out, build a plan, and work your plan, you will get to where you want to be.

Running Suprises

The last two weeks have been filled with all sorts of strange and rewarding experiences. Training continues with small and large successes. Work is stressful and yet rewarding. Parenting is always a duplicitous experience. I've had several ideas on blogging, but just plain ran out of time to get it done. For that I apologize to those who read this on a regular basis.

I have to tell you all that I am finding abilities that I thought I had lost. Running, has become something I am enjoying. What? It hurts like hades, but I am actually enjoying it. I think I surprise myself and everyone around me when I run. The shock for them might be their first experience on the Richter scale. 300 pounds running next to you has got to shake the earth your treading upon. I have a kick at the end that is pretty impressive even if I say so myself. I can run about five miles and still will have a burst at the end that is not really understandable. Maybe the motivation comes from just wanting to get it over with. Maybe some of my kick comes from an ability to relate to my youth and anaerobic exercise. Goal tending and line play in football is all anaerobic in nature. It is small explosive bursts of energy without oxygen to get the goal accomplished. I'll wrap up on this topic telling you that I ran a mile on Saturday in under 10 minutes. We jogged up from the monument by St. Thomas to the track. We ran one lap on the track at 100% (I ran about 90 - 95%, the muscles were not warm enough yet). We ran two laps at 90% ( I was in the ballpark on this one). We then ran three laps at 85% (again on track with this). Then we were supposed to run a mile, ( four laps) at 100%. I wanted to beat a 10 minute mile, and I did at nine minutes and 49 seconds.

After doing the above when someone told me that was inspirational, I responded that it should not be. No one was more shocked that it was possible than me. I did not mean to disrespect the persons comment, but I am not comfortable with being an inspiration to anyone. I know what a small person I am on the inside that it is hard to accept that type of compliment. I have to work on being more accepting of something like that.

I worked out with a co-worker, I tried to help her with some swim pointers. I am by far no expert in this area, but I have learned a couple of things over the last seven months. I did not plan on doing more than a swim and a spin, but when we were done with those activities after about 70 minutes, they asked me to run. I figured I could probably go for a mile jog. We enjoyed chatting and jogging at a 4.7 to 5.2 mile pace. We were finishing up when she asked if I wanted to sprint the last tenth of a mile. I said sure and took off. I finished up my tenth at a dead run, and waited for her to catch up. She asked me where the hell I went. We had a good laugh about it, and she stated she had never seen anything like that, there was no hesitation, I was just gone.

I continue to grow through this experience. I continue to enjoy working out. I continue to think this organization is outstanding. I'm not getting any smaller, but I am definitely getting stronger. The surprises just keep growing.

Running On Emotion

For most that know me, I run on emotion a lot. It used to be nothing but anger, but that has changed over the past few years. I still run on anger once and a while, but it is now focused in a positive manner for the most part.

Tonight was a TEAM swim. I will be very honest and say that I did not want to go tonight. I was extremly low on energy all day. Part of it is not eating right, and getting too little sleep over the last few days. Jenny and I went to dinner as the kids are staying with my parents over spring break. I had somehow developed a knot in my back between my shoulder blades late in the day, and I was not comfortable. At dinner I looked at Jen and stated that I may skip the swim tonight as I was exhausted. Jenny told me to do what I needed to do.

We came home and Jenny sat down to read. I went down stairs to watch last nights biggest loser that I had recorded. It motivated me a little, but I still was feeling lethargic. I shut the television off and went in to my office. I brought up a browser with Yahoo coming up as the home page. There was a a video article about Ms. Virginia fighting childhood cancer, so I clicked on it. She is trying to raise funds to fight cancer in children. I started to think. Hmm she has a similar goal to mine. She's out there working on her goal, what are you doing... ? I started thinking about my sister, and said to myself oh too bad, your tired! Well isn't that special.

I went upstairs and checked with Jen if she would be okay if I decided to go to the third swim session as I had missed my usual TEAM swim. She told me to do what I needed to do, but there was a little smile on her face when she said it to me. I threw my trunks and a towel into my bag and rushed out the door.

On the drive over to the pool, I called my sister. I thanked her for being my motivation, with catch in my voice and a tear in my eye I told her I loved her. Then I put on some real angry music (e.g. Rammstein, Nickelback, Marilyn Manson). I used it to generate some energy.

I have to say that this swim was not easy, but I felt very strong throughout. Three 100's, four 150's w/ 20 seconds off between building speed on the second two. Six 100's 15 seconds off between, building speed after every two. Four 50's ten seconds off between building speed on the second two. One slow 50 with ten seconds off, and then one 50 full out. No shoulder pain! A few clicks, but nothing that can't be tolerated.

I sit as I am blogging listening to classical music reflecting on my emotions. I still run on them. I still feed off of them. I think tonight I ran on more love than anger. I am not doing this for me. I am reaping the benefits of it, but it is not about me. It is about ending something I hate for what it does to people. Running on emotion is not a negative thing, it's all about the focus of that energy. Emotion is just another form of energy, and it can be used in a positive manner, or wasted a negative form. I think tonight, I might have gotten it right.

Literal, Irrelevant, and Improving

As any of you that know me and have tried to explain anything to me, I am as literal as they come. You tell me something and prove it to me, this results in causing some flaw in my nature to hold it as gospel. This is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to repeat the task over and over again. Where the curse comes in is when you ask me to change that course of action.

Tonight at a TEAM swim, my friend and coach told me that he needed me to stop rolling onto my back to breath. I learned this from the Total Immersion Swimming video course he recommended to me. Now, this is the way I have learned to swim comfortably, and successfully. We discussed it, and I told him I would try not to roll as far.

So I swim one lap this way, and I am pulling so hard with my right arm, I can feel my body bending at the waste so that I can see my toes behind me. I question him on it as this feels fine physically, but it goes against everything that I have been doing since July 4, 2008. Then we have another conversation about not rolling far enough onto my right side, (I only am able to breath with my left side in the water). We have to actually break it down so that I can understand what he is trying to convey. He wants me to continue to stack my hips on both sides, but when I breath, only role to 120 degrees instead of 180 degrees, (onto my back) when breathing with my left side in the water.

I swim another lap trying to focus on what he is looking for. Upon completion of that lap, he is satisfied with this, but wants a stronger punch into the water with my left arm. My left shoulder is the one that has been giving me trouble with pain. I have had shoulder problems forever since both have been damaged in hockey and football. I try to explain that I only have any real power in my right arm on a full swim stroke, the left is just there for decoration really as no power or forward progress comes from my left side. I try not to be negative and give what he wants a try.

I swim another length and a half, and "Pop" my left shoulder slips and I am in pain! I complete the half length with a worthless left arm. I say a few vulgarities as I exit the pool and try to get my shoulder to slip back to a normal alignment. This is not a dislocation, but it hurts. When this happens, you can feel and hear tissue grinding. It is not pleasant in oratory a nature nor physically. I stretch the muscles and try to pop the joint to relieve the ache. After taking a few minutes, I enter the pool again, and swim to the drop line in the pool where the depth increases, and realize that this is not feeling good. I stop and swim one arm bandit style back to the ladder and exit the pool. I'm done for the night.

I am angry as my discomfort is irrelevant. I know I can swim a mile even with a garbage left side. I go and shower off and try to calm my steaming temper. I am mad that my body interfered with what I was working on trying to accomplish. I get dressed back into my street clothes and go back to talk to my friend and coach.

He is concerned to know that I am okay. I'm honest and explain that I am pissed off, but not at him. I have a temper that matches my size and weight and nobody wants to be on the wrong side of that. I ask how I can improve without pulling on my left side. We find where I have strength on my left side. I have no strength until my arm is below my chest on the left side. There is no pain from breast bone to hip. We figure that I can get something out of my left side if I spaghetti arm it to my chest and then pop from the elbow to past my hip. We won't be trying this until my Sunday individual swim, but it will be the focus of that workout.

I don't like failure. But I will learn from this one, as I have learned from all of them. A few years ago, a set back like this would have crushed my gentle psyche. Yes, under my gruff large exterior lies a small and fragile ego. I know that the sheathing around that ego has grown in the last two years, and has given me the ability to learn from set backs.

In closing being literal is interesting. It can lead to immediate or delayed understanding. It causes one to ask questions and seek understanding. It can make one feel irrelevant, by making them feel slow on the pick up or silly for not getting it as quickly as others. It forces one to to improve because they will not quit until they understand the concept that is trying to be conveyed as they do not like feeling silly. I know that this is part of my make up and I am glad to have all of these attributes. It makes me who I am in all my glory and weakness.

Faith, Fear, Reflection, and Growth

Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see. – William Newton Clark

I sit and reflect often, sometimes too often. I have fear, and I sometimes lack faith. I lack faith in my abilities be it physical or cognitive. I have to be honest, I think it is the fear of success more than of failure that holds me back at times. If I am successful, how can I do something next time to improve or set the bar higher for myself. I do fear failure, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

I watched The Bucket List last night and they discussed faith. And as discussed in the movie, everyone has had a discussion on faith hundreds of times in their lives. Neither party walks away from those discussions convincing the other member of the conversation that they are 100% right in their belief.

Faith in my opinion can be the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you will fail, you probably will. If you believe that you will achieve success, you most likely will. It is hard to find courage in such an unstable world. But on any given day, if you are observant, you will find it. Be it from a child having faith in a parent to provide the comfort and love they need. Be it from a conversation from your mother saying that she misses hanging out with you and just laughing about nothing in particular. Seeing a group of co-workers putting aside the job for a few minutes and just enjoying each other's company as human-beings, knowing there is a deeper connection than just the job.

I think the lead in quote to this entry makes a lot of sense. The only thought that I can add is that the soul is boundless. I think it is making the mind go farther than it can see, and the body bringing the soul along on the journey is what life is about. Faith can be shaken, but it can always be restored.

Face your fear and question your faith. You will learn from doing both. Reflect on both and you will grow. Welcome the journey we call life.