Trying To Find Focus

I am struggling. I have stated that I do not want to be negative and that I don't want to get down on myself. In my typical fashion, I am finding trouble finding a new goal. It is not that they are not out there, it is just that I am not focusing.

I want to lose more weight, but I don't seem willing to give up things to do it. I cannot find drive to get to the gym and push myself. I find myself getting to the gym and just going through the motions. Swimming a 1000 yards seems a chore. I have not been on my bike outside because the weather has just plain been blah! I am hoping to get out this weekend for a couple of short rides.

I want to make a positive contribution, as I find that this brings me happiness. I want to continue my participation with TNT, but I am afraid that by having done a marathon, a century, and a triathlon that I will find there is no fear of failure.

Funny that I need that fear to find the drive to push myself. What does that mean? Is that my perfectionist mentality shining through? I have stretched myself through three years of physical challenges. I have learned so much about myself and my capabilities that I am amazed that I am experiencing this lack of focus. Maybe it is natural to come from such a high to wondering what can I do next. I am not interested in bettering my times in these events as it was never about the time, it was about completing what I set out to do to earn your sponsorship.

I am hoping to find focus. I need to find the appropriate challenge to commit to. I am debating going back to century riding, because that is truly what I love. It is not about the finish, but enjoying the ride. My riding has suffered over the last two years with the marathon and the triathlon. I am still a strong rider, but I know that I am so much better than I have produced over the last two years.

I am debating trying to mentor for the cycle season and go back to Tahoe and ride all 100 miles of that course. I don't want to shirk my responsibilities as a parent, so I need to really talk this over with Jenny and the kids. I am afraid if I don't do this, that I will be letting something important to me fade. Sometimes it is hard to find the right application of effort. I know I am most efficient when I am happy and feel like I am making a difference.

Maybe the focus is there, but fear of commitment is the root of the problem. Maybe it is over thinking and not just deciding on a course of action and implementing a plan to make it a reality. I will have to find my way. I will have to decide.

Been Away For A While

Well, I have been away for a while. Not much has been happening since completing the triathlon that I have felt like writing about.

Thankfully, I am back to work after my 60 day hiatus. The time off was nice, but it was also harder than I would have thought. It is amazing that you have all that time, but you need to be money conscious. We made it through it okay, but I can't say that I would want to do it again anytime soon.

The kids are busy with school and soccer. They are both playing, and seem to be having fun. Issy got her first point this last weekend. She got an assist by making a nice pass. I was not there to see it as I was over at E's game. E's team played to a zero to zero tie. It was a fun game to watch!

Jenny is keeping track of us all. Somehow, she is getting to the Girl Scout meetings, and soccer games. She is even doing a cardio groove class at the community center. I am so proud of her for signing up for that. She seems to be enjoying her Monday nights away.

I have officially become a MacBook Pro owner. I love this thing. I have never worked on a more forgiving and intuitive machine in my life. It just makes things so much easier than a Windows machine. Never thought I would become a convert this easy. I have wanted to get one for the last two years, and finally bit the bullet. Wish I had pulled the trigger on this a long time ago. Maybe now I can do some fun things with all the photos I have. Never could figure out some of those photo software packages.

Well, I hope to get back into blogging more often again. Still swimming and biking, but have let the running slack. Trying to figure out what challenge is next. Hoping all is well for those of you who still check this site out from time to time.

Life Time Olympic Triathlon Complete

A journey started five plus months ago is now complete. I finished the challenge. I pursued the third event in my personal triple crown and through hard work and dedication it was a success. The success is not that I finished; it is that I was able to have all of you behind me.

I was able to say I am going to do this in honor of my sister and grandfather and I asked you to come along for the journey. You responded yet again and said we will back you. The funds will go to Leukemia research, but in the fight against cancer, lessons are learned from this research and are then are used to fight other forms of this terrible disease.

The day started at 02:00. Wake up. Force myself to eat. Get ready mentally as I had packed all my gear the night before. Load the truck. Rack the bike on the truck. Find some serenity that the three year long journey was resolving itself today. I had a voice in its outcome, but I needed to accept the outcome either way.

Jenny had volunteered to staff a cheering station on the course. I would see here once on the bike, and twice on the run. To have someone willing to sacrifice their time in your belief is humbling. She has been more than supportive of this endeavor and all the time it has taken. She jumped in the truck with me and we were off at 03:27.

I have been driving to lake Nokomis most of the season, and have been taking 35E to 77 (Ceder Ave) to the parkway. I am directionally challenged, and have no fear in admitting it. Jenny suggested that we take 494 over to 77. This saved about 15 – 20 minutes, and alleviated a lot of the anxiety I was starting to feel on the drive over. I needed to be onsite by 04:30 to get body marked.

Body marking is when they write your race number on your arms and your age on your calf. Then I needed to stage my transition area. Get my running shoes ready. Get my bike ready. Get my helmet et all ready. This extra time gained through her suggestion was a blessing.

After all of the staging was complete, I was able to help some of my TEAMmates stage their areas. I was glad to be able to assist and assuage some of their anxiety as my wife had gifted me with the extra time.

Time for a TEAM photograph to commemorate the experience. Time to center myself and find the courage to actually start the race.

I was to start with the second wave of Clydesdales. A Clydesdale is anyone over 200 pounds that is doing a triathlon. I more than qualify. The second wave was to start at 07:15. I wandered down to the lake for a brief warm up swim. The water is 74.8 degrees Fahrenheit and very pleasant. Swim a few hundred yards and call it good.

07:15 the horn sounds and I am off into the water. The first leg of the swim is into the sun. I am having one hell of a time sighting due to the sun. The buoys are green. The water is green. There are people with green swim caps. It was very difficult to stay on course. I was not able to swim a straight line to save my life. I had no panic moments in the water. The year of preparation paid dividends in that area. I probably swam 1.2 miles over the 0.9-mile course due to corrections in my route. I was able to relax and get through the distance and enjoy the swim. I would have never thought this possible after my first swim July 4, 2008. Reaching the beach and being able to stand was an awesome experience. I should have swum in a little further, but terra firma has never been so beautiful! Roughly 46 minutes for the swim. I was planning on 30 – 45 minutes. Not to bad an estimate.

Transition one running up from the beach through the sand was not as difficult as I was expecting. This was probably due to the after glow of accomplishing something I have been working toward for over a year now. I get to my bike. I put my socks on. Get my bike shoes on. Get my glasses on, (God it is nice to be able to see clearly again). Get my helmet on. Un-rack the bike and jog to the exit of transition.

I am planning on 1.5 to 2 hours on the 24.8 mile course. My plan is not to shoot the moon and hammer this out. I want to have legs left to run the 6.3 miles. On egress from the transition and inside of the first mile, I pass my father, mother, and my two daughters. I tell them I love them and will see them later. The wind was up a bit and it did cause a little duress. Nothing that could not be overcome through extra effort and the course will put it at my back once and a while. Look at my watch to gauge the distance covered and I am already 10 miles into the course. I am feeling very strong, but do not want to unleash the dogs yet. I get through the worst hills and get headed back to lake Harriett, start my trip around Harriett and I only have five miles left. I let the dogs loose and start to pass people instead of being the one passed. I am encouraging others, as I believe that the give and take of positive affirmation when doing an endurance event is an important part of the journey. I am thanking the volunteers that are on the course throughout the ride. Without them, none of this experience is possible. I finish my ride in approximately 1.5 hours with an average pace of 15.8 miles an hour.

Before I know it I am back to transition two and ready to start the run. I need to ditch my tri-suit jersey as it is chaffing my arms terribly. Luckily I had placed my marathon jersey in transition as a precaution. It was partly narcissistic, as the tri-suit jersey likes to climb up and reveal my rotund protuberance of a tummy. In the long run, I am so glad that the marathon jersey was there as it saved me a lot of pain. There would be plenty of that just from the running of 6.3 miles. I am estimating 1.5 to 2 hours of running.

I am able to transition fairly quickly into run shoes and said new shirt. I am out on the course and my kids and parents are there again. I will admit that I ran and walked the course. I have found that I can run a quarter mile and walk the next quarter mile interchangeably more comfortably than running straight through. The time difference over a mile is negligible so why not do this comfortably.

I get to Jenny’s cheer station, and keep moving. I continue to encourage others. My mantra becomes cold beer. I will get one of these when I cross the finish. I have a wristband that will allow me to procure this delightful reward.

I finish the first of two loops around lake Nokomis and start the second loop. My parents and children are gone. Isabelle has a party to go to and they have probably left to take her to that. I did miss them on this second loop. Friendly faces are always welcome. To have them be people you love, which have sacrificed so much for you to chase your dreams, who believe in you when you can’t believe in yourself is indescribable.

This is the second race that I have had loved ones at and it is definitely a morale boost to get to see them. I get back to Jenny’s cheer station, and I stop long enough to give her a kiss and a hug and I am only a mile away from the finish.

I find a fellow TEAMmate with a similar pace and we proceed to jog and chat. This was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I am able to finish my journey on the run. I pick up the pace over the last quarter mile. I am seeing my stronger TEAMmates who have finished before me, after starting behind me and they are all encouraging me to the finish. I cross the magic line that tells me I have completed what I set out to do for today. I have my very own personal moment where I bow my head and shed a few tears. Where the emotion came from I don’t know. I am not ashamed of it. I earned the right to have this emotion, and I am going to embrace it. Approximately 1.5 hours to cover 6.3 miles.

I am sure that it will eventually hit me in full that I have accomplished what few would dare at 300 pounds. I am not remarkable. I just was granted the gift of compassion. To all who have supported me in this journey, I cannot thank you enough. From coaches, TEAMmates, friends, and my family, none of this was possible without you. From your kind words of encouragement to me. To your generous contributions to an amazing cause that LLS is. You are truly the amazing ones, not me. I am merely a conduit for your compassion for others. Thank you for all of it!

Sincerely,


Marc

Century Rider
Marathon Walker
Olympic Distance Tri-athlete

http://www.peaktiming.com/2009LTF/ Bib number 271

Were You Brave Enough To...

I just finished watching Transformers the movie. There is a quote in there: "When you look back at your life 50 years from now, are you going to be able to say you were brave enough to get into the car?" While I don't plan on living another 50 years, I think I will be able to answer that question in the affirmative.

That is not as braggadocios as it sounds. I am a pretty timid person at my core. I don't risk much because of my fears of success and failure. Over the past three years, I have been able to put others needs in front of my own. I have found that by training for someone else is far more meaningful than training only for myself.

I have been able to stand my ground in the face of fear and overcome mere physical pain. My life is not at risk, but it has become more meaningful. Will St. Peter meet me upon my demise and roll out the red carpet? Probably not! I have many areas in my life that I need to correct before I am accorded that kind of treatment.

While this season waxes, I am still learning lessons. I am still finding value in who I am. I am still trying to put myself out there and open up. I am still trying to add value to those around me. I am still trying to show tangible bravery. I see all of these qualities in my TEAMmates and coaches. I still try to emulate these folks, because at the heart of it I know they exemplify these characteristics that I am trying to get to take root in my soul.

I hope that in a mere nine days to be able to add the third crown to my tripple. It will require, bravery, self sacrafice, desire, endurance and belief that I am worthy of completing the task that I accepted and said I would do to earn your sponsorship. I know you were all brave enough. Hopefully, I will be too.

I Am Not, And Yet I Am

I am not anything special. I am not amazing. I am not a leader. I am not noble. I am not a strong person. I am not someone to be looked up to. I am not capable. I am not to be taken seriously. I am not brave. I am not courageous. I am not someone that can do great things. I AM NOT GOING TO BE NEGATIVE!

I have said all of these things to myself on many occasions. The odd thing is that somehow deep inside, I know now they are not true. I've changed over the last three years. You have been a part of that change, whether you are aware or not.

A silly postcard daring me to ride 100 miles in a day provided me with hope so that others could have hope as well. I asked you all to follow me by donating money to help me train and travel to Tahoe to complete this task. When that task was complete, I had found a purpose. Belief in my abilities was reborn.

I signed up voluntarily to not only do a marathon in San Diego, but to mentor others the next year. This turned out to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to step outside of my reserved self even more. I had to go slow because I was not capable of going fast. I needed to be there for others while being strong enough for myself. Again you were there to back me and follow my foolish folly of completing a marathon.

This year, again, I am stepping out and daring to accomplish something that will not be easy. Lifetime Olympic distance triathlon is right around the corner.

Am I afraid? Yes, I suppose part of me is. What are you afraid of? I am not sure of anything specific.

I am worried about staying calm during the swim. Open water swimming is more about concentration on sighting to make sure you stay the right line and don't have to over swim to correct mistakes for going off course.

Cycling is not overly disconcerting other than hoping that there are no major mechanical malfunctions. I may not go as fast as I want, but I know I will get there. I will need to save everything for the run.

Running, yeah there is some trepidation here. I know that I can go the distance. Can I run it all, I am not sure. Do I want to? Hell yes I do. Although, I know there is no shame in having to walk some. That has been the most valuable lesson I have learned about endurance events. As long as you are moving forward, you are making progress towards the goal.

I think that my biggest fear comes after I achieve this; What can I do next to feel like I am alive? TNT is not going to end for me. I know at my core that this is what I need to be doing. Our honorees are who matter, not me. I know that by training and focusing on others is how I feel alive.

You have all been so supportive, that I am humbled that you have so much faith in me. You have made me feel special. You have made me feel amazing. You have made me feel like a leader. You have made me feel noble. You have made me feel like a strong person. You have made me feel looked up to. You have made me feel capable. You have made me take myself seriously. You have made me feel brave. You have made me feel like I am courageous. You have made me feel like I can do great things. But the best part of this, is that I have not done this alone. You have been there right beside me with your funding, kind words, and by putting your belief in a simple mortal.

I am looking forward to this challenge! I am looking forward to crossing that finish line. I am looking forward to finding a new challenge. I am a mere mortal, but when I do these events for a short time, I feel that my presence on earth may actually be inspiring.

Buffalo Sprint Tri Complete

The Buffalo Triathlon was on Sunday, June 7. A couple of friends from where I've been working for the past two years wanted to do this event. We all signed up February thinking it would be a nice June day. Oh were we wrong!

Air temps were in the upper 40's. Waking up at 04:00 to get breakfast, and then drive over to Brooklyn Park to pick up Michelle, I am asking myself why this sounded like fun in February? Oh well, it beats wasting the day sleeping. By the end of the day I will have accomplished something new.

On the drive over to Michelle's, I pass a house engulfed in flames. I feel bad for the family whose home this is. Their day is being dictated to them, and I am doing something of my choosing. Several emergency vehicles are on site, I hope all involved are safe.

Michelle and I drive up to Doug's place in Buffalo. We got a little lost when we got into town. We had to call and wake sleepy head up to get the last few directions to his place. Doug has to run over an pick up his son Zach who is also doing the event.

Michelle and I drive down to the race site to pick up packets and get numbered. By the time we get back to Doug's to drop off the truck, he and Zach have ridden down to the event. Michelle and I complete prepping our bikes and gear with numbers. We take off on our bikes and get ready to set up our transition areas.

While setting up in transition, I see a lot of my TNT teammates. This is comforting to me. I introduce my coworkers to my teammates. It is nice to have so many people I know on the course. I can draw energy from them, and hopefully can provide some to them.

Off to the pre-race meeting. Quick course review and instruction. Motivation from last years winner from the pro group. Inspiration from a man diagnosed with Myeloma. He has fought through his treatments to get here, and he is racing with us! Comfort from the singing of our National anthem. Surprise from finding out my sister and her husband have driven up to watch this spectacle.

This is a wave start. Michelle is in wave 18, I am in 19, and Doug and Zach are in 22. We get into our wave groups and prepare for the start. The horn sounds and I am running out into the water. The water is shallow, so I am able to get out pretty far before I need to start swimming.

This is my first ever open water swim. It is different from pool swimming. It is murky, it is crowded, it is chaos! Team swims have prepared me for some of this as you do get bumped into in the pool. You will be kicked. You will be hit. You will drink lake water. I achieved all of these in the first 10 yards of the swim. I told myself calm down, you can do this. Relax, stroke, sight the buoy, stroke, stroke, stroke, sight the buoy. Sighting is important, because there is no line to follow on the bottom of the lake. You can hardly see your hands during your stroke. I complete my swim in about 10 minutes according to my watch. I exit the water and head to transition to the bike.

I am not feeling well from my drink of lake water! I force my self to burp, and this helps some. I get into my socks, I get my cycling bibs on over my tri shorts. I pull my jersey on and get my bike shoes on. I slam on a skull cap to keep my head from freezing. I am getting cold from being wet and the wind is blowing. Get my helmet on and grab my bike. Here comes Michelle into the transition area. I wish her well, and jog with my bike to the line where I can start riding. I am now in my strongest section of the event.

The cycle course course is windy. My right ear is hurting, I think I have water in there and when the wind hits that side, I am getting a sharp pain. Ignore it and keep spinning the crank. This course is more hilly than I expected. Nothing that cannot be overcome. I get passed on the climbs, but on the downhill I blow past those that have passed me. I thank the volunteers that I can when I am going by. I have my watch on my wrist, so it is harder to check my distance and speed than if it was mounted to my handlebars. This will save me time in transition, but it is definitely something different. I am on my large ring in front and somewhere in the middle of my rear gears when I come around the corner and see runners. I'm almost to transition two. Ride into the transition area, unclip and walk jog my bike into the transition area. I am a bit sick to my stomach, but I can make it.

Kick my bike shoes off. My kids would probably yell at me for not unfastening them as I yell at them for not untying theirs. Slam my feet into my running shoes and tie them up. I think to myself, I wish I had something to sit on to get these shoes on easier. Stop my watch to change it to logging my shoe pod that measures distance and speed. Run out of transition area to the run course.

I am not suffering too much from the BRick feeling. BRick stands for Bike Run ick. Your legs are lead, your feet are boulders, and you gate just feels funny. I am plodding along, and occasionally see some of my teammates. Smiles, nods, high fives and "go team" are exchanged. I am encouraging others, and they are encouraging me. I am getting pats on the back from some that are passing me. This is where I need the most support. I am not a strong runner, but I am not going to quit just because I am not good at it.

About 3/4 of mile in I see Doug and Zach. They are just coming in on the end of the cycle course. Doug is smiling and yells "Hey Marc", and he is past me. About one mile in, here comes Michelle, and she has a grin. I know they have made it through the swim and the bike. Way to go guys! I push to the turn around point. There is a water station here. I slow way down so that I can slam a couple of Dixie cups worth of water into my system. I pick up the pace again. I am feeling better now. Getting through the first mile of the run, my body seems to accept what it is being put through. About two miles into the run for me, (a mile for them), here comes Doug and Zach. They are both very strong runners. High fives and on we go our separate directions to the same finish line. About two and 1/4 miles here comes Michelle. Keep going you can do it! I am on the home stretch now. Smile and joke with those around me. Picking up the pace, not feeling real great, getting winded. Push through to the finish.

Clock time 2 hours 25 minutes. I stay by the finish to see Doug, Zach, Michelle, and some of my teammates cross. My sister and her husband come over and we laugh and chat. This is the first race that I have had, that a family member was there to cheer for me on the course. Jenny and I did San Diego last year, and we were cheering for each other but we were both participating. It was very supportive, and I enjoyed the surprise.

After Michelle finishes, I can see that silly grin on her face. I know that grin. It says; "I just did it. I don't know how, but I just did what I set out to do. Damn I feel good!" I saw that look on Doug's face later too. Doug and his wife invited all of us back to the house for kabob's and some beer. Very tasty!

We were all cold. We were all content. A winter idea and goal was complete.

Doug, thanks for suggesting we do this together. Michelle, thank you for joining the group. To the Schmitz's thank you for your hospitality. To my sister and brother-in-law, thanks for being there. To those that encouraged me on the run whether I knew you or not, thank you. To my teammates from TNT, you guys are awesome. And to those of you that followed this narrative to it's conclusion, I hope you enjoyed the journey.



http://onlineraceresults.com/race/view_individual.php?make_printable=1&bib_num=1033&race_id=10936&type=result

39 Wow, HTF Did That Happen?

Today, I am 39. HTF did that happen? I am as confused as you are. I have no idea how I got from 18 when I graduated from highschool (on my bday), to 39. I mentally don't feel any older than 18 maybe even 16. I am starting to notice differences in recovery after working out, but mentally, I am still ready to go.

The only positive that I can point out is that I am still here. I am more focused than I was at 18. I know that I have ability, and maybe even a little courage. At 18, I was all bravado and no action! At 39, there is a more action and less fear. I am not afraid of failing, but more afraid of inaction! I am not made of substance, but of desire. I desire change in the world. I desire change in myself. I want better for the future.

I accept that I probably have more wake ups behind me than I do ahead of me! That is not as morose as it sounds. It is reality. I am not promised tomorrow, so I have to live today. I will be unemployed as of Friday. I accept that as I did the risk of contracting for employment. Fortunately for me, my contractual employment company is interested in bringing me back to work. I most likely will only be unemployed for 60 days. I have no regrets! This change was what I needed to make me and the world around me better.

Two years ago on this day I was 37 and just finishing up the largest success of my life. I had ridden Tahoe, "the death ride" in under 10 hours. I had found the man who I could be and was. I had found a purpose that I am still living for. Together we will find a cure for blood cancer. Me through physical engagement and more importantly you through financial backing. I am not laid to eternal sleep yet. I have not yet earned that privilege. I have more to give, and more to learn!

I took this day for myself. Normally at this time, I am either engaged in beating myself into success as I have asked you to back me in some foolish yet worthwhile endeavor or, I am recovering from an event. I apologize for skipping a workout to indulge in 39 years of existence. In actuality, it is only three years of life. I say only three years of life, because I was able to find my humanity and worth on June 3, 2007! I left a little of myself on the climb up Spooner Junction on the mountain. In leaving a little of myself on the mountain, and accepting my human weakness was I able to see that I have value. I was able to strip the self pitying worthless cadaver off and let my potential shine through. It is there in all of us if we dig deep enough.

I am still not sure how I made it 39 years in this world, as weak as I am. Maybe it was some part of a grand plan that is not written in totality. Either way, I have commitments to honor, and goals to reach. Thirty-nine, HTF did that happen! How did I waste 36 years! Why am I such a slow learner? All I can hope is that I get another 36 years to make up for the wasted time. If not, I was afforded the opportunity to realize some of my potential while still on earth.

Thanks for reading the rant of a person fast approaching 40. Laugh at it as I do. I used to think 40 was ancient. Now I am hoping it is only nearing mid-life. Either way, I have actually lived a few of my years prior to 40! Hopefully my stories will encourage others to find some fire in their bellies and thus benefit their fellows. In truth, that is the only way to immortality!