I Am Not, And Yet I Am

I am not anything special. I am not amazing. I am not a leader. I am not noble. I am not a strong person. I am not someone to be looked up to. I am not capable. I am not to be taken seriously. I am not brave. I am not courageous. I am not someone that can do great things. I AM NOT GOING TO BE NEGATIVE!

I have said all of these things to myself on many occasions. The odd thing is that somehow deep inside, I know now they are not true. I've changed over the last three years. You have been a part of that change, whether you are aware or not.

A silly postcard daring me to ride 100 miles in a day provided me with hope so that others could have hope as well. I asked you all to follow me by donating money to help me train and travel to Tahoe to complete this task. When that task was complete, I had found a purpose. Belief in my abilities was reborn.

I signed up voluntarily to not only do a marathon in San Diego, but to mentor others the next year. This turned out to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to step outside of my reserved self even more. I had to go slow because I was not capable of going fast. I needed to be there for others while being strong enough for myself. Again you were there to back me and follow my foolish folly of completing a marathon.

This year, again, I am stepping out and daring to accomplish something that will not be easy. Lifetime Olympic distance triathlon is right around the corner.

Am I afraid? Yes, I suppose part of me is. What are you afraid of? I am not sure of anything specific.

I am worried about staying calm during the swim. Open water swimming is more about concentration on sighting to make sure you stay the right line and don't have to over swim to correct mistakes for going off course.

Cycling is not overly disconcerting other than hoping that there are no major mechanical malfunctions. I may not go as fast as I want, but I know I will get there. I will need to save everything for the run.

Running, yeah there is some trepidation here. I know that I can go the distance. Can I run it all, I am not sure. Do I want to? Hell yes I do. Although, I know there is no shame in having to walk some. That has been the most valuable lesson I have learned about endurance events. As long as you are moving forward, you are making progress towards the goal.

I think that my biggest fear comes after I achieve this; What can I do next to feel like I am alive? TNT is not going to end for me. I know at my core that this is what I need to be doing. Our honorees are who matter, not me. I know that by training and focusing on others is how I feel alive.

You have all been so supportive, that I am humbled that you have so much faith in me. You have made me feel special. You have made me feel amazing. You have made me feel like a leader. You have made me feel noble. You have made me feel like a strong person. You have made me feel looked up to. You have made me feel capable. You have made me take myself seriously. You have made me feel brave. You have made me feel like I am courageous. You have made me feel like I can do great things. But the best part of this, is that I have not done this alone. You have been there right beside me with your funding, kind words, and by putting your belief in a simple mortal.

I am looking forward to this challenge! I am looking forward to crossing that finish line. I am looking forward to finding a new challenge. I am a mere mortal, but when I do these events for a short time, I feel that my presence on earth may actually be inspiring.

Buffalo Sprint Tri Complete

The Buffalo Triathlon was on Sunday, June 7. A couple of friends from where I've been working for the past two years wanted to do this event. We all signed up February thinking it would be a nice June day. Oh were we wrong!

Air temps were in the upper 40's. Waking up at 04:00 to get breakfast, and then drive over to Brooklyn Park to pick up Michelle, I am asking myself why this sounded like fun in February? Oh well, it beats wasting the day sleeping. By the end of the day I will have accomplished something new.

On the drive over to Michelle's, I pass a house engulfed in flames. I feel bad for the family whose home this is. Their day is being dictated to them, and I am doing something of my choosing. Several emergency vehicles are on site, I hope all involved are safe.

Michelle and I drive up to Doug's place in Buffalo. We got a little lost when we got into town. We had to call and wake sleepy head up to get the last few directions to his place. Doug has to run over an pick up his son Zach who is also doing the event.

Michelle and I drive down to the race site to pick up packets and get numbered. By the time we get back to Doug's to drop off the truck, he and Zach have ridden down to the event. Michelle and I complete prepping our bikes and gear with numbers. We take off on our bikes and get ready to set up our transition areas.

While setting up in transition, I see a lot of my TNT teammates. This is comforting to me. I introduce my coworkers to my teammates. It is nice to have so many people I know on the course. I can draw energy from them, and hopefully can provide some to them.

Off to the pre-race meeting. Quick course review and instruction. Motivation from last years winner from the pro group. Inspiration from a man diagnosed with Myeloma. He has fought through his treatments to get here, and he is racing with us! Comfort from the singing of our National anthem. Surprise from finding out my sister and her husband have driven up to watch this spectacle.

This is a wave start. Michelle is in wave 18, I am in 19, and Doug and Zach are in 22. We get into our wave groups and prepare for the start. The horn sounds and I am running out into the water. The water is shallow, so I am able to get out pretty far before I need to start swimming.

This is my first ever open water swim. It is different from pool swimming. It is murky, it is crowded, it is chaos! Team swims have prepared me for some of this as you do get bumped into in the pool. You will be kicked. You will be hit. You will drink lake water. I achieved all of these in the first 10 yards of the swim. I told myself calm down, you can do this. Relax, stroke, sight the buoy, stroke, stroke, stroke, sight the buoy. Sighting is important, because there is no line to follow on the bottom of the lake. You can hardly see your hands during your stroke. I complete my swim in about 10 minutes according to my watch. I exit the water and head to transition to the bike.

I am not feeling well from my drink of lake water! I force my self to burp, and this helps some. I get into my socks, I get my cycling bibs on over my tri shorts. I pull my jersey on and get my bike shoes on. I slam on a skull cap to keep my head from freezing. I am getting cold from being wet and the wind is blowing. Get my helmet on and grab my bike. Here comes Michelle into the transition area. I wish her well, and jog with my bike to the line where I can start riding. I am now in my strongest section of the event.

The cycle course course is windy. My right ear is hurting, I think I have water in there and when the wind hits that side, I am getting a sharp pain. Ignore it and keep spinning the crank. This course is more hilly than I expected. Nothing that cannot be overcome. I get passed on the climbs, but on the downhill I blow past those that have passed me. I thank the volunteers that I can when I am going by. I have my watch on my wrist, so it is harder to check my distance and speed than if it was mounted to my handlebars. This will save me time in transition, but it is definitely something different. I am on my large ring in front and somewhere in the middle of my rear gears when I come around the corner and see runners. I'm almost to transition two. Ride into the transition area, unclip and walk jog my bike into the transition area. I am a bit sick to my stomach, but I can make it.

Kick my bike shoes off. My kids would probably yell at me for not unfastening them as I yell at them for not untying theirs. Slam my feet into my running shoes and tie them up. I think to myself, I wish I had something to sit on to get these shoes on easier. Stop my watch to change it to logging my shoe pod that measures distance and speed. Run out of transition area to the run course.

I am not suffering too much from the BRick feeling. BRick stands for Bike Run ick. Your legs are lead, your feet are boulders, and you gate just feels funny. I am plodding along, and occasionally see some of my teammates. Smiles, nods, high fives and "go team" are exchanged. I am encouraging others, and they are encouraging me. I am getting pats on the back from some that are passing me. This is where I need the most support. I am not a strong runner, but I am not going to quit just because I am not good at it.

About 3/4 of mile in I see Doug and Zach. They are just coming in on the end of the cycle course. Doug is smiling and yells "Hey Marc", and he is past me. About one mile in, here comes Michelle, and she has a grin. I know they have made it through the swim and the bike. Way to go guys! I push to the turn around point. There is a water station here. I slow way down so that I can slam a couple of Dixie cups worth of water into my system. I pick up the pace again. I am feeling better now. Getting through the first mile of the run, my body seems to accept what it is being put through. About two miles into the run for me, (a mile for them), here comes Doug and Zach. They are both very strong runners. High fives and on we go our separate directions to the same finish line. About two and 1/4 miles here comes Michelle. Keep going you can do it! I am on the home stretch now. Smile and joke with those around me. Picking up the pace, not feeling real great, getting winded. Push through to the finish.

Clock time 2 hours 25 minutes. I stay by the finish to see Doug, Zach, Michelle, and some of my teammates cross. My sister and her husband come over and we laugh and chat. This is the first race that I have had, that a family member was there to cheer for me on the course. Jenny and I did San Diego last year, and we were cheering for each other but we were both participating. It was very supportive, and I enjoyed the surprise.

After Michelle finishes, I can see that silly grin on her face. I know that grin. It says; "I just did it. I don't know how, but I just did what I set out to do. Damn I feel good!" I saw that look on Doug's face later too. Doug and his wife invited all of us back to the house for kabob's and some beer. Very tasty!

We were all cold. We were all content. A winter idea and goal was complete.

Doug, thanks for suggesting we do this together. Michelle, thank you for joining the group. To the Schmitz's thank you for your hospitality. To my sister and brother-in-law, thanks for being there. To those that encouraged me on the run whether I knew you or not, thank you. To my teammates from TNT, you guys are awesome. And to those of you that followed this narrative to it's conclusion, I hope you enjoyed the journey.



http://onlineraceresults.com/race/view_individual.php?make_printable=1&bib_num=1033&race_id=10936&type=result

39 Wow, HTF Did That Happen?

Today, I am 39. HTF did that happen? I am as confused as you are. I have no idea how I got from 18 when I graduated from highschool (on my bday), to 39. I mentally don't feel any older than 18 maybe even 16. I am starting to notice differences in recovery after working out, but mentally, I am still ready to go.

The only positive that I can point out is that I am still here. I am more focused than I was at 18. I know that I have ability, and maybe even a little courage. At 18, I was all bravado and no action! At 39, there is a more action and less fear. I am not afraid of failing, but more afraid of inaction! I am not made of substance, but of desire. I desire change in the world. I desire change in myself. I want better for the future.

I accept that I probably have more wake ups behind me than I do ahead of me! That is not as morose as it sounds. It is reality. I am not promised tomorrow, so I have to live today. I will be unemployed as of Friday. I accept that as I did the risk of contracting for employment. Fortunately for me, my contractual employment company is interested in bringing me back to work. I most likely will only be unemployed for 60 days. I have no regrets! This change was what I needed to make me and the world around me better.

Two years ago on this day I was 37 and just finishing up the largest success of my life. I had ridden Tahoe, "the death ride" in under 10 hours. I had found the man who I could be and was. I had found a purpose that I am still living for. Together we will find a cure for blood cancer. Me through physical engagement and more importantly you through financial backing. I am not laid to eternal sleep yet. I have not yet earned that privilege. I have more to give, and more to learn!

I took this day for myself. Normally at this time, I am either engaged in beating myself into success as I have asked you to back me in some foolish yet worthwhile endeavor or, I am recovering from an event. I apologize for skipping a workout to indulge in 39 years of existence. In actuality, it is only three years of life. I say only three years of life, because I was able to find my humanity and worth on June 3, 2007! I left a little of myself on the climb up Spooner Junction on the mountain. In leaving a little of myself on the mountain, and accepting my human weakness was I able to see that I have value. I was able to strip the self pitying worthless cadaver off and let my potential shine through. It is there in all of us if we dig deep enough.

I am still not sure how I made it 39 years in this world, as weak as I am. Maybe it was some part of a grand plan that is not written in totality. Either way, I have commitments to honor, and goals to reach. Thirty-nine, HTF did that happen! How did I waste 36 years! Why am I such a slow learner? All I can hope is that I get another 36 years to make up for the wasted time. If not, I was afforded the opportunity to realize some of my potential while still on earth.

Thanks for reading the rant of a person fast approaching 40. Laugh at it as I do. I used to think 40 was ancient. Now I am hoping it is only nearing mid-life. Either way, I have actually lived a few of my years prior to 40! Hopefully my stories will encourage others to find some fire in their bellies and thus benefit their fellows. In truth, that is the only way to immortality!