Monday, June 7, 2010

Four Years And Still Learning, Thank You For Your Support

I want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has supported me over the last four years in my pursuit to eliminate blood cancers or for that matter any kind of cancer. Without you, none of this would have been possible.

Again this year you guys stood with me and made donations that got us to the finish line. If you have been following the blog, you will know that I have learned lessons in previous seasons that have affected me very deeply. The odd thing is that this year I really struggled mentally. I am not sure what the overall issue was, but it has been a bear to deal with.

What I witnessed on Sunday, June 6, 2010 was nothing short of amazing. I watched my TEAM succeed. I watched courage in action. I watched a group of people take a stand and persevere! I watched a group of people lift themselves up when it got tough and push through personal discomfort and succeed in the goal that they had set for themselves.

While at the pasta dinner the night before, I learned that all of the participants and their sponsors amassed a total of $6,000,000.00 dollars through this one event America's Most Beautiful Bike Ride to fund research and support patients and their families to eradicate blood cancer. Thank you for your commitment and donations in amassing that total. You guys are the real heroes, I am merely there as your representative.

We all listened to a moving speech from a father whose daughter had been diagnosed in Kindergarten with Leukemia. She made it through her treatments and is doing incredible. It was amazing for me to be back participating in the event that started this journey for me. I also learned that I had ridden with this man back in 2007 as it was his first event in honor of his daughter.

There was more time on this ride for me to just take in all the amazing scenery. No matter how much self doubt I have had this season, I was at peace for most of the day. I had some times during the ride that I was completely alone without another rider in sight, but did not go into my own head and terrorize myself. I accepted things as they came. I was not able to ride the whole thing again, as Spooner Junction is high and I just cannot find the oxygen I need at that altitude. I listened to my body. I walked when I needed to for breathing or for easing the back spasms I was enjoying. There were no tears of self pity this time, just the inner knowledge that this pain was temporary and others needed me to endure.

To see Sarah at mile 83 - 84 and know that she was going to make it, was amazing. Sarah lost her mother in January this year to Leukemia and was doing this ride in her memory. Sarah kept me from getting on the SAG wagon.

She may not know it, but she showed me so much courage that I was not going to SAG in front of her. If she was going to go on in memory of her mother, I was going to go with her. Upon reaching the top of Spooner behind Sarah, I rode down to where she was and got off my bike, took my helmet, glasses, and gloves off and walked over to her and embraced her. I started to cry, but not because of my relief in getting to the top. It was purely because I was over joyed to see her persevere and do what she did not believe possible. I told her that "The last time I was here I cried for myself because I had made it. This time I am crying for you and all that you have accomplished!" If it was not for her, I don't know if I would have had found the courage to continue.

Upon descending Spooner, my coach and friend stayed behind with me, while Sarah and Carly rode to the finish. I rode when I could mainly down hill. I walked when the spasms were saying hello on the uphills. I apologized to Jasen for keeping him on the course. Jasen in his ever present patient manner told me; "That there was nothing to be sorry for. Just keep moving the best you can, you don't have anything to prove to anyone."

I thought back to when I talked with my wife about my self doubt about being able to pull this ride off again, and her response of; "Your too stubborn to quit, even if you should!" made me smile and keep going. She was right as she usually is. I would rather drop dead than fail in what I said I would do for someone.

To ride in and see my TEAM there waiting to welcome me in, and help me off my bike and embrace me as one of their own, was overwhelming.

I did not finish the way I wanted to. I did not beat the four miles that beat me four years ago. But I did not submit to the availability of those ever present SAG wagons with their soft seats, air conditioning, and powerful engines that overpower the altitude and inclines with ease. I did not pity myself for my weakness. I encouraged others that were struggling with me as they encouraged me. I did not quit. I did not fail. Again I found a way to get the job done in an alternative manner to the one I wanted. I covered the distance on muscle power and human spirit alone.

You guys are amazing! You have supported me in my endeavour year after year to continue this fight. You have believed in me when sometimes I find it impossible to believe in myself. You give freely and from the heart. You have been as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar! I can never thank you enough.

Humbly Yours,

Marc Allan McElyea

Century Rider (Times 2)
Marathon Walker
Olympic Distance Triathlete
Triple Crown Award Recipient



Sunday, June 6, 2010

100 Accomplished Again, But Not Alone!

I gave 110%. I had a great ride through about 72 miles, and started to get back spasms. I wanted to quit. I will not lie about that! I wanted to SAG so bad that it hurt and I could taste it. I did not. I will not say that I got through this on my own. There were many times that there were only one set of foot prints and the most certainly were not mine. I know that I was carried. Be it by God. Be it from the courage I saw from my TEAMMATES today.

Misty pulled me aside and commented on my lack of focus as I already knew I had done this once. She told me to take my knowledge and apply it to help someone else. I did this several times today. I helped people who fell on climbs. I encouraged others when I was struggling. I did not quit in front of my TEAMMATES.

Sarah showed more resolve than I have seen in four years. She put her skin in the game and came through with flying colors. I wanted to get in the SAG wagon so bad at mile 84, but Jasen and Sarah had caught me at a water stop. Sarah was struggling with the fatigue, but there was an inner resolve that I have not witnessed before. I cannot say for sure because she was on her game 110%. I would not SAG in front of her no matter what the cost to my physical discomfort.

Jasen stuck with us through thick and thin. He has that coaches gift that I will never have to just be there, be quiet, and be a strong force to keep you motivated without saying anything. I apologized profusely for having to walking up the final hills. I could not pedal through them despite being in my lowest gear. Every time I tried, the spasms would increase 10 fold. Walking up the hills was not comfortable but was tolerable.

Upon finishing the entire TEAM was there to cheer for me. I am a bit down on myself as this probably caused them all to miss the very short victory party, but was very heart warming. They helped me off my bike and took it over to ship back, gave me a beer and a lot of hugs. Sarah should have been the focal point, and the coalescing person due to her achievement today not me. I just did my job as a mentor, but I should not have been the last one in. I do feel that I did the honorable thing at least and put my pain aside to ensure that my weakness would not impair her success, (even though that may not have happened).

Everybody finished! Everybody busted there humps! Everybody achieved their goal.

I may have had my doubts about myself last night, but as I said someone else carried me through. It was not my achievement, it was the love, thought, and prayers of everyone that somehow got me through this. I am not overly impressed by my contributions as a mentor, but I did give the 110% that I said I would. I did not quit. I did finish. So maybe I should just sit back crack another beer and enjoy the achievement.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Getting Out Of My Own Head

I sit in my room in Tahoe. I have been here before. I know physically I can do this. I know that people are counting on me. I know if I can just get out of my own damn head I can do this. I am afraid. I am worried that I will let my TEAM down. I am worried that I will let my sponsors down. I am worried that I will let myself down.

I cannot get out of my own head. I keep saying the nastiest of things to and about myself in my own mind. I have to stop. I cannot be the negative guy. I have to find mental strength. I know the physical strength is there, it has been for many years. I keep thinking about me and not about the others that I am supposed to be doing this for.

I run on emotion, but I know for a fact this negativity is not something that I can get through this on. I have a lot of love and respect for my TEAM. I know that I have added humor in stressful and tough times, but I am not strong mentally. I am trying to focus on the positive, but I keep hearing myself in my own voice degrading me from the inside. The thoughts are vicious and hurtful. Self destructive in every way imaginable. This is not supposed to be like this. What the Hell, it feels like I am back to the same broken human being that started out in 2007, but with no spirit or soul. I do not like this man. I don't want to be this man. I want to rise above this man and truly be alive.

I am trying to support my TEAM with every fiber, but I cannot advertise my own inadequacies right now. I am here to lift them up not myself. I am here to do a job that I believe in. But I have to vent these negative emotions, so I am doing it here. It is a public venue. It is not an easy thing, but maybe if I get them out, they will go away! If not, I will do my job and lift my TEAM up. I will give 110% to them. I will get them through.

Honor is not something that comes without self sacrifice. Honor comes through putting others in front of your own needs. It's taking the bullet so someone else can live. It is giving up the last space in the life boat to someone more worthy. It is going back into the burning building regardless of the risk to yourself. I need to be focused on others tonight and tomorrow and let my chips fall where they may.

I am not quitting on my goal. I have four miles out here that I owe to myself, well that and another 96. But in reality that is secondary to ensuring that everyone of my TEAMMATES knows how much I believe in them. How much I respect them. How much I value their participation.

I am not quitting. I've said before that crying is not quitting. Doubt is not quitting. The only thing that is quitting is not having the courage to get up, get dressed, get on the bike and get out on the course. I will find that courage. The next step to not quitting is to get through the first mile, then the second, the third etcetera. The final step is to stay the fuck out of my own head. Thank the volunteers. Thank the people cheering. Encourage the people struggling around me. Think of the honorees. Think of my sister, and my grandfather. Think of anyone but myself. To enjoy the scenery, the company, the atmosphere, the journey.

Someone once told me that God does not make trash. I have often laughed at that and responded in my own mind, he made me so that cannot be an accurate statement. I have been carried by so many people in my life that someone had to have put them in my path. In my own disparaging mind, I have not often had the wisdom to find His plan. I am not overly religious, as I know that I am not overly worthy of any divine attention. He grants us free will, and often I have looked the wrong way. I hope that there will be one set of foot prints tomorrow and that He will be carrying all of us tomorrow including me.

Thanks for reading my rant. I do feel some better. I know I will find some heart. I may have to borrow some spirit from those around me. I may need to have some prayers from you. I will have to push through some physical discomfort. I will stay the Hell out of my own head somehow. Maybe I will find a mantra. Maybe I will encourage others and get back encouragement in return. It's only 100 miles. It's only one day of my life. It's only something I have done before. It is only me, my tires, my pedals and my will no matter how fractured at times. I will not quit. I will get up get dressed, get on my bike, get on the course. The rest will just be my chips falling as they may. I will find a way of getting out of my own head.