Four Years And Still Learning, Thank You For Your Support

I want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has supported me over the last four years in my pursuit to eliminate blood cancers or for that matter any kind of cancer. Without you, none of this would have been possible.

Again this year you guys stood with me and made donations that got us to the finish line. If you have been following the blog, you will know that I have learned lessons in previous seasons that have affected me very deeply. The odd thing is that this year I really struggled mentally. I am not sure what the overall issue was, but it has been a bear to deal with.

What I witnessed on Sunday, June 6, 2010 was nothing short of amazing. I watched my TEAM succeed. I watched courage in action. I watched a group of people take a stand and persevere! I watched a group of people lift themselves up when it got tough and push through personal discomfort and succeed in the goal that they had set for themselves.

While at the pasta dinner the night before, I learned that all of the participants and their sponsors amassed a total of $6,000,000.00 dollars through this one event America's Most Beautiful Bike Ride to fund research and support patients and their families to eradicate blood cancer. Thank you for your commitment and donations in amassing that total. You guys are the real heroes, I am merely there as your representative.

We all listened to a moving speech from a father whose daughter had been diagnosed in Kindergarten with Leukemia. She made it through her treatments and is doing incredible. It was amazing for me to be back participating in the event that started this journey for me. I also learned that I had ridden with this man back in 2007 as it was his first event in honor of his daughter.

There was more time on this ride for me to just take in all the amazing scenery. No matter how much self doubt I have had this season, I was at peace for most of the day. I had some times during the ride that I was completely alone without another rider in sight, but did not go into my own head and terrorize myself. I accepted things as they came. I was not able to ride the whole thing again, as Spooner Junction is high and I just cannot find the oxygen I need at that altitude. I listened to my body. I walked when I needed to for breathing or for easing the back spasms I was enjoying. There were no tears of self pity this time, just the inner knowledge that this pain was temporary and others needed me to endure.

To see Sarah at mile 83 - 84 and know that she was going to make it, was amazing. Sarah lost her mother in January this year to Leukemia and was doing this ride in her memory. Sarah kept me from getting on the SAG wagon.

She may not know it, but she showed me so much courage that I was not going to SAG in front of her. If she was going to go on in memory of her mother, I was going to go with her. Upon reaching the top of Spooner behind Sarah, I rode down to where she was and got off my bike, took my helmet, glasses, and gloves off and walked over to her and embraced her. I started to cry, but not because of my relief in getting to the top. It was purely because I was over joyed to see her persevere and do what she did not believe possible. I told her that "The last time I was here I cried for myself because I had made it. This time I am crying for you and all that you have accomplished!" If it was not for her, I don't know if I would have had found the courage to continue.

Upon descending Spooner, my coach and friend stayed behind with me, while Sarah and Carly rode to the finish. I rode when I could mainly down hill. I walked when the spasms were saying hello on the uphills. I apologized to Jasen for keeping him on the course. Jasen in his ever present patient manner told me; "That there was nothing to be sorry for. Just keep moving the best you can, you don't have anything to prove to anyone."

I thought back to when I talked with my wife about my self doubt about being able to pull this ride off again, and her response of; "Your too stubborn to quit, even if you should!" made me smile and keep going. She was right as she usually is. I would rather drop dead than fail in what I said I would do for someone.

To ride in and see my TEAM there waiting to welcome me in, and help me off my bike and embrace me as one of their own, was overwhelming.

I did not finish the way I wanted to. I did not beat the four miles that beat me four years ago. But I did not submit to the availability of those ever present SAG wagons with their soft seats, air conditioning, and powerful engines that overpower the altitude and inclines with ease. I did not pity myself for my weakness. I encouraged others that were struggling with me as they encouraged me. I did not quit. I did not fail. Again I found a way to get the job done in an alternative manner to the one I wanted. I covered the distance on muscle power and human spirit alone.

You guys are amazing! You have supported me in my endeavour year after year to continue this fight. You have believed in me when sometimes I find it impossible to believe in myself. You give freely and from the heart. You have been as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar! I can never thank you enough.

Humbly Yours,

Marc Allan McElyea

Century Rider (Times 2)

Marathon Walker

Olympic Distance Triathlete

Triple Crown Award Recipient

100 Accomplished Again, But Not Alone!

I gave 110%. I had a great ride through about 72 miles, and started to get back spasms. I wanted to quit. I will not lie about that! I wanted to SAG so bad that it hurt and I could taste it. I did not. I will not say that I got through this on my own. There were many times that there were only one set of foot prints and the most certainly were not mine. I know that I was carried. Be it by God. Be it from the courage I saw from my TEAMMATES today.

Misty pulled me aside and commented on my lack of focus as I already knew I had done this once. She told me to take my knowledge and apply it to help someone else. I did this several times today. I helped people who fell on climbs. I encouraged others when I was struggling. I did not quit in front of my TEAMMATES.

Sarah showed more resolve than I have seen in four years. She put her skin in the game and came through with flying colors. I wanted to get in the SAG wagon so bad at mile 84, but Jasen and Sarah had caught me at a water stop. Sarah was struggling with the fatigue, but there was an inner resolve that I have not witnessed before. I cannot say for sure because she was on her game 110%. I would not SAG in front of her no matter what the cost to my physical discomfort.

Jasen stuck with us through thick and thin. He has that coaches gift that I will never have to just be there, be quiet, and be a strong force to keep you motivated without saying anything. I apologized profusely for having to walking up the final hills. I could not pedal through them despite being in my lowest gear. Every time I tried, the spasms would increase 10 fold. Walking up the hills was not comfortable but was tolerable.

Upon finishing the entire TEAM was there to cheer for me. I am a bit down on myself as this probably caused them all to miss the very short victory party, but was very heart warming. They helped me off my bike and took it over to ship back, gave me a beer and a lot of hugs. Sarah should have been the focal point, and the coalescing person due to her achievement today not me. I just did my job as a mentor, but I should not have been the last one in. I do feel that I did the honorable thing at least and put my pain aside to ensure that my weakness would not impair her success, (even though that may not have happened).

Everybody finished! Everybody busted there humps! Everybody achieved their goal.

I may have had my doubts about myself last night, but as I said someone else carried me through. It was not my achievement, it was the love, thought, and prayers of everyone that somehow got me through this. I am not overly impressed by my contributions as a mentor, but I did give the 110% that I said I would. I did not quit. I did finish. So maybe I should just sit back crack another beer and enjoy the achievement.

Getting Out Of My Own Head

I sit in my room in Tahoe. I have been here before. I know physically I can do this. I know that people are counting on me. I know if I can just get out of my own damn head I can do this. I am afraid. I am worried that I will let my TEAM down. I am worried that I will let my sponsors down. I am worried that I will let myself down.

I cannot get out of my own head. I keep saying the nastiest of things to and about myself in my own mind. I have to stop. I cannot be the negative guy. I have to find mental strength. I know the physical strength is there, it has been for many years. I keep thinking about me and not about the others that I am supposed to be doing this for.

I run on emotion, but I know for a fact this negativity is not something that I can get through this on. I have a lot of love and respect for my TEAM. I know that I have added humor in stressful and tough times, but I am not strong mentally. I am trying to focus on the positive, but I keep hearing myself in my own voice degrading me from the inside. The thoughts are vicious and hurtful. Self destructive in every way imaginable. This is not supposed to be like this. What the Hell, it feels like I am back to the same broken human being that started out in 2007, but with no spirit or soul. I do not like this man. I don't want to be this man. I want to rise above this man and truly be alive.

I am trying to support my TEAM with every fiber, but I cannot advertise my own inadequacies right now. I am here to lift them up not myself. I am here to do a job that I believe in. But I have to vent these negative emotions, so I am doing it here. It is a public venue. It is not an easy thing, but maybe if I get them out, they will go away! If not, I will do my job and lift my TEAM up. I will give 110% to them. I will get them through.

Honor is not something that comes without self sacrifice. Honor comes through putting others in front of your own needs. It's taking the bullet so someone else can live. It is giving up the last space in the life boat to someone more worthy. It is going back into the burning building regardless of the risk to yourself. I need to be focused on others tonight and tomorrow and let my chips fall where they may.

I am not quitting on my goal. I have four miles out here that I owe to myself, well that and another 96. But in reality that is secondary to ensuring that everyone of my TEAMMATES knows how much I believe in them. How much I respect them. How much I value their participation.

I am not quitting. I've said before that crying is not quitting. Doubt is not quitting. The only thing that is quitting is not having the courage to get up, get dressed, get on the bike and get out on the course. I will find that courage. The next step to not quitting is to get through the first mile, then the second, the third etcetera. The final step is to stay the fuck out of my own head. Thank the volunteers. Thank the people cheering. Encourage the people struggling around me. Think of the honorees. Think of my sister, and my grandfather. Think of anyone but myself. To enjoy the scenery, the company, the atmosphere, the journey.

Someone once told me that God does not make trash. I have often laughed at that and responded in my own mind, he made me so that cannot be an accurate statement. I have been carried by so many people in my life that someone had to have put them in my path. In my own disparaging mind, I have not often had the wisdom to find His plan. I am not overly religious, as I know that I am not overly worthy of any divine attention. He grants us free will, and often I have looked the wrong way. I hope that there will be one set of foot prints tomorrow and that He will be carrying all of us tomorrow including me.

Thanks for reading my rant. I do feel some better. I know I will find some heart. I may have to borrow some spirit from those around me. I may need to have some prayers from you. I will have to push through some physical discomfort. I will stay the Hell out of my own head somehow. Maybe I will find a mantra. Maybe I will encourage others and get back encouragement in return. It's only 100 miles. It's only one day of my life. It's only something I have done before. It is only me, my tires, my pedals and my will no matter how fractured at times. I will not quit. I will get up get dressed, get on my bike, get on the course. The rest will just be my chips falling as they may. I will find a way of getting out of my own head.

81 And A Smile Finally

So I got my bike back from the shop. Broken spoke repaired, but mental dilemma still needing repair. I rode 10 miles last night. No issues. A spark to get out and try and go for 90.

Got up and made the decision to take the day off and go earn your donations. Rode 42 miles in 2 hours 30 minutes with a short stop at Subway to get a snack at mile 20. Mile 42 take a lunch break and go to Subway again. I have a a conference call I cannot skip even though I have taken vacation. So I hammer out a quick 10 around Turtle Lake again. Stop and catch the call, and slam a bottle of Accelerade and another of water. Contribute the call dreading the 30 to 40 I have left to my goal. Ride over to the gym to get the visit credited to my account for my 12 monthly. 60 miles in and 20 - 30 to go. Ride back to the Arsenal and notice traffic is starting to get heavy. I could have ridden it but decide that I want to avoid it. I ride loops in the Arsenal. I get to 72 miles and head for home. I have a meeting to get to at 18:30. I have been on the road since 08:30 roughly and I need a shower. I am covered in road grime. I push around Turtle Lake for the fourth time. I am not as fast as I want, but I am pulling 15 miles an hour. I get home and still need 1 mile to make over 80. I push through it and put the bike in the garage.

There was only one moment of self pity. There was an even better moment when I told myself "Shut the Fuck Up and think of someone else. Think of Jack, or Lucy, or Brandon, or you sister! Your only tired and sore! Shut the Fuck Up and push through it!" Sorry for the language, but that was the thought. There has been a mental block this season. There has been self pity! I have never ridden this far by myself. I needed to do this without support. I needed to stand on my own an prove to myself my own worth. There is still that demon that I am not better than anyone. That I am not equal to anyone. I am not worthy to represent anyone. I am not guaranteed success, I have to work for it. I have to want it. I have to earn it through effort. No one will give it to me. I need to grab the opportunity. I need to look it in the eye. I need to put my fear of inadequacy aside and man up and do the work.

Today, I found the right set of circumstances. I found the right mental attitude. I found the strength. I found the courage. Nobody was there to see the pain. Nobody was there to see the fear. Nobody was there to carry me or lift my spirits. I needed to find my own spirit. I can even say that by pulling 91 miles in 24 hours, I am happy, sore, tired, feeling somewhat more normal. I'm even smiling about the whole thing.

Emotion Block Removed From A Gift

I had a very nice experience yesterday. My sister asked me to come over for a visit to give me an early birthday present. We arranged a time, and I went over. We chatted for a bit, and she and her husband gave me my gift. For the last four years, I have not asked for any gifts. I have asked that they make a donation to LLS instead.

This gift was one of the coolest things I have ever been given. My sister took all the photos that I have collected from events over the last three years at TNT events. She took select posts from this blog. She put them together in a book for me. I have never been ashamed of my emotions. I have to honestly tell you that looking at this book and how far and how much I have accomplished made me break down and cry.

I have really been struggling this season. I have been trying to run on only anger or self contempt. I don't know what my mental block has been. I know that I cannot do this on those two emotions alone. I need to open myself and be compassionate, I need to accept my own frailty. I have to set smaller goals and celebrate them along the way. I have been trying to do it all in one step, which I know does not work. I have constantly been looking at the speedometer and the odometer and beating myself up mentally.

This book broke down a wall for me. It brought out a flood of emotion that I needed to release. I've said that most of an endurance event is mental. I have not had the mental edge I need to do what I have set out to do. I have been expecting less from myself because of this mental block. This has not been productive!

I can guarantee that I will still have struggles, this break through does not ensure that there will not be relapses of doubt. But by getting over this block, I can move forward. While watching TV earlier in the day before meeting my sister, I was watch "I Should Not Be Alive". This episode was about a former SAS solider that had shattered his pelvis on a mountain side, and was 8 miles from help. He recalled that his former instructors had taught that you need to develop a plan and keep moving forward based on that plan. I'm developing my plan, and I will keep moving forward based on it.

I'm ever evolving, ever introverted, ever pursuing a difference. I am a conundrum to myself.

A Different Form Of Success

I cannot sit here and say I was successful in what I wanted to do today. I am not ashamed to sit here and say what I got to do today turned into success. My ride was all up hill today literally. I rode out of Afton, MN with doubt in my head. I put it in my lowest gear and I climbed slower than I would like, but I climbed. I got to the top of the hill and felt a wobble in my rear wheel, and fearing a flat pulled over to correct the issue. Much to my dismay, it was a broken spoke and a wheel out of true. My ride ended roughly five miles in.

This could have been very destructive, but maybe with age and experience came some wisdom. I asked to be sagged back to Afton. I called one bike shop nearby, and got the maybe we have the spoke, maybe we don't. I hung my ride up and got in my truck to run additional Sag support.

What I would do now was support my TEAM. I would drive ahead, and I would wait. I would offer whatever meager support I could. When the last person passed me, I would drive ahead and wait for everyone to pass. I got to see a different side of my TEAM today. I got to see hard work, dedication, commitment, perseverance, struggle, circumstances out of our control, (including my own mechanical issue), bonding, and success.

There were people that did need to be sagged ahead. There were people that showed courage by getting back on their bikes. There were people who pushed through mental monsters. There were people that just put there noses to the grind stone an pushed and achieved.

I got to know my TEAMmates a little better today. I had a chance to speak with those I was sagging. I got to take it all in without holding a pity party for myself. I got to make a difference in how some got through the day. It might not have been my intended success when I rolled out of bed, but in the end, I think it was a much more meaningful outcome.

To witness a whole group stand and cheer for the final person coming in after 90 miles, and see that person breakdown and realize what they had just accomplished, is the reason I love being a part of this organization. It teaches, to think beyond yourself. It gives a common goal. It makes us grow in many different ways. It has taught me that some things are outside of my control, and I just need to roll with it.

Today was not what I expected. Today was a pretty valuable lesson. I have not had much success fighting mental issues this season, but I can honestly say I enjoyed the hell out of a day that did not go my way. Today I was privileged to watch others succeed and to really enjoy watching it.

Ignorance Is Bliss!!!

Okay, tomorrow the TEAM will ride 90 miles. We have not had a very good record on weather! It is either wind in abundance or rain or both. Again, it is people that step outside their comfort zone that achieve amazing things.

I know what is ahead of me tomorrow. I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. I am both excited about the challenge, and filled with doubt of if I have it in me mentally. I know after three years that I have it physically. The mental game is always the deciding factor. Seems strange that the lesson that I have learned over the last four years that if the brain is not engaged, the body has no chance of succeeding!

Having Jackson our honoree around tomorrow will be a great benefit. If this young man can face cancer, I can face my fear of repeating what I did three years ago. I know right away in the morning I will climb out of Afton, MN and I will make it to Bay City, WI. Then after a short break, I will get to face my fears and climb out of Hagger City, WI. I will have to remember Lucy, I will have to remember my sister, I will have to remember my grandfather, I will have to remember everyone that has faced something bigger than pain and a hill. I will have to harness both my fear and the honor it is to do this for someone else! I will have to put my head in the game and push through the ups and enjoy the downs. It is only pain and miles I face nothing that will kill me.

I hope to post success tomorrow. No, I don't hope, I will! Attitude is everything. It is okay to have fear, but it is attitude that will make the difference. It does not matter that I have been ill this week. It does not matter that I am tired. It does not matter that I want a break when the climbs come. I am not ignorant, but success will bring the same bliss as ignorance!!!

Getting Beat!

We went out for a team ride today from Stillwater to Taylors Falls, over to Wisconsin and back to Taylors falls. I can honestly say that I got beat today. The wind was unrelenting!!!!!!! In five years of riding, I have never been buffeted quite so violently. To have to ride at between five and six miles an hour is horrible. I have to say that physically, I was on target by the way I felt. My hydration was good. My nutrition was going well. I was tired, but mentally, there was something missing. This is the first time that I can say I chose to quit. I rode 63 of the 75 miles, but I had checked out at about 51 miles.

My first year this decision to quit would have been soul crushing. Now, while it does not make me proud to say I chose to quit, I can handle the decision, and it's ramifications. I would honestly say this 63, was the equivalent of 80 miles. For the week if you include Sunday's Iron man I have logged 140 - 150 miles. My rest has not been significant enough to handle that much. My eating has been less than spectacular in the right choices that need to be made while training while not on the bike.

There comes a time in physical endeavors that you have to make decisions on if it is time to push or time to retreat. Today, I know I could have chosen to push through, but at what amount of mental anguish? Mental anguish is not a great excuse when you compare it to why I do this stuff, but in four years, I have not retreated, maybe todays lesson was one I needed to learn.

What was the lesson? I think it was to put my ego aside, and do what was right for me at the time. To accept that today was not my day, but I gave it what I had to give. I left it on the road, and I can still look myself in the eye and know that I am not a failure. I simply was not on my game in all facets. Tonight, I will rest, tomorrow I may ride a real light 10 to 15 to move the lactic acid out of my thighs. I may decide that rest is more important if the wind is still up as it looks like it may be.

TNT 2010 Season Update 3

There have been a lot of cool things going on, I just have not had any time to get an update out here, so here goes!

The team has been working really hard. We have been riding outside now for about five or six weeks. We have moved the rides around a bit to keep it fresh and fun. We have ridden in Minneapolis, Minnetonka, Plymouth, Shoreview, Oakdale, Lakeville, and this weekend, we will ride from Stillwater, MN over into Wisconsin for about 70 miles. The team is bonding and having fun.

Not all rides are fun. Last week a few of us went down to ride Ironman, in Lakeville. The conditions were less than pleasant with rain and a lot of wind. Two very special things stick out from this ride.

The first is that at the end, I heard several of my teammates indicate that when they really felt like quitting due to being cold and wet and getting blown sideways by the wind and pushed backwards by the wind that they thought of the reason why they were doing the training for this event. It stops being about you and your discomfort and it starts being about someone fighting for their life. It is amazing after four years how powerful a message that is. It is not about us as individuals, it is about what can we add to the whole.

The second special thing was that as I was pealing off my layers of wet gear was that a man stopped after seeing my Leukemia & Lymphoma Society bike jersey and reached out and touched the logo on my chest and said; "That is a really cool organization! Thank you." I don't know what his tie to the organization is, but it brings back memories of a man thanking me in Tahoe back in 2007 for doing a ride to raise funds to beat these cancers. It is very humbling to know that through the society I can make a difference with your help.

I cannot say that this year cycling has always been as easy as I hoped it would be. I have really gotten beat up on a few rides and wondered if I would have the strength to push through to the end. I am not always riding as fast as I want. That is when I need to stop and remember it is not for me. It is so we can end these cancers. I am enjoying being a mentor and getting to know my team. I love riding with some of my friends from previous seasons, but I am really enjoying my new teammates as well. Lots of laughs and good rides yet to come.

Hard to believe that we have only 36 days until we push out from State Line, Nevada and venture around Lake Tahoe. I remember the season being so long the first year. Now, I am feeling that it has not been long enough. I know we will all be ready, no matter how hard we have to work to get to that point.

May 26, 2010 is the close of the fund raising for this season, so if you have not yet had time to make a donation, and are still willing, please visit my fund raising site. As always, you are the ones that do the important work. I am merely a conduit for your generosity. There is a quote that I recently found, that I really like;

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pike

This is something we have done together and it truly will be immortal when we end cancer! The job is not done yet. We are making progress. I am thankful for all of you being a part of the fight.

Go TEAM!

Doubt and Attitude

So I cannot lie that lately I am have been having doubts and attitude issues. I don't know what is causing either. I have a great job that I like, but man am I buried. One those times where I have so much to do that I am almost paralyzed in trying to decide what to work on. I don't know if this is making me doubt my abilities to accomplish everything that I need to? I don't know if this is causing me to question my organizational skills. I don't know if this is causing me to struggle on some of my rides lately.

Every day I can choose my attitude, I have learned that over the last couple of years by participating with LLS. I am just facing difficulty, but not anything serious. I think this has been one of my best gifts from these experiences. I can push through this. I will achieve what I need to, and the mental struggles will teach me lessons. Hopefully one of them is confidence. That is one of the hardest ones for me to maintain.

There will always be difficult times in anything one endeavors to do. There will be moments where you will think you will reach the goal easily, and then question if it was ever possible. I need to focus on the fact that everything can be broken down in to smaller components, be it miles toward the finish line, or smaller pieces of a project that can be put together to be a completed project.

When I have these doubt and attitude issues, I tend to over internalize them. I don't know why, but I wind up to devalue my abilities. Is it because it is easier to assume failure will be less painful, if I expect it from myself. I never want to fail, and I don't recall the last time I did but it is the other side of the coin, and you always wonder if that is what is going to come up on the coin toss. I think I need to find a coin with success on both sides, and then I can put this worry out of my head.

Maybe by leaving these thoughts here, I can clear my head and find the focus and drive I need to keep pushing to the goal. Maybe I just need to make smaller goals and celebrate achieving them, and then take the focus off of the completion of the major ones but keep the memories of the total journey.

Anyway enough ramblings from me.

TNT 2010 Season Update 2

Where to start. First of all thank you to all that have donated so far. For those of you who sent checks, they should post soon. We are really close to making the minimum and for that I thank you for that. I cannot every say thank you enough for your belief and support in this cause.

The TEAM is continuing to work hard and all of us are dying to get outside. There will be an outside ride this weekend. I don't think if the weather continues to cooperate we will be staying in doors after this weekend. Riding a bike is fun, riding a stationary bike is not so much. It is necessary and pays dividends, but it does not bring the same satisfaction. The TEAM is starting to come together and we are having some fun. That will grow when we are outside and seeing new sites.

I got in a 10 mile ride last week. I was going to stretch it out to 20 as it was feeling pretty good, and then I got a flat. I had the necessary items to change it, but it was a rear flat and I have trouble getting the chain on right for some reason after I take the rear wheel off. I called Jenny and she came and picked me up and I changed it at home. I hurt my foot walking my bike a short distance, but it is recovering. I hope to get out again this week and get a full 20 in this time.

I have given up beer totally for the month of March, and I am glad to say that I have only missed it a couple of times. I can also gladly say March is almost over and it will taste good to have a beer on April 1, and a couple watching the Wild game on April 2. I have not been able to shed any pounds doing this for some reason as I had hoped, but I am still lacking motivation when I go to the gym. The pounds should drop when we get outside and increase the mileage.

I also have expanded my workout to include Yoga. I did not know if I would like it or not, but I find that I feel really good after I do it. My hip flexors have been really tight so far this season and a couple of Yoga sessions a week have all but eradicated the back pain I have had from this issue. Would have thought I would need to check in my "Man Card" to admit doing Yoga, but I like it.

Thanks for your continued support as I chase what makes me happy and helps others. The latter being more important.

My Story Is Not Unique

I am thankful for the title of this entry. I was talking with a cancer survivor and they informed me that they no longer felt like their story was unique. To me that is a wonderful thing! I am glad that this person survived cancer! I am glad that the survival story is loosing it's unique qualities, not that surviving cancer is a minor thing, but that in more people are surviving.

I have mulled this comment over for the last few days, and it is truly one of those things that makes me glad to do what I do. I needed to find something in my life that brought me happiness. Albeit twisted to find happiness in enduring miles in water, on bike, or on foot. If what I do funds through your generosity an increased uniqueness in the survivability of cancer I am benefited in two ways. I am happy moving forward, (preferably on a bicycle), and I am happy to know more cancer survivors.

My own story is not unique, but in it, I am. I have found contentment in who I am in all my insecurities. I still have fear, I still feel small in this world. Neither of these are bad if I push past them and still attempt something that I am interested in and find enjoyment and growth in.

In summation, being unique is a quality we all posses. There are commonalities that we all have just by being human. There are differences in how, and why we are the way we are. By setting aside our own uniqueness, and working for a common goal, success is inevitable. I thank you for working towards the common goal of making cancer survivor stories all the more common!

TNT 2010 Season Update 1

I am excited to be back on the bike, (even if it is only stationary). I am so looking forward to getting outside, but I am a realist in the fact that March is the snowiest month here in Minnesota. Spin sessions are underway and we even threw in a core work out on Tuesday, which I am still feeling.

The TEAM is doing really well. Lots of participation. Lots of good questions and ideas. I really enjoy being around these folks. I am so glad that the season is here. I need the structure and obligations to keep my motivation up. I have not met anyone through TNT that I don't like. I don't know what the connection is, but it seems to draw a lot of really nice people.

I have learned through my participation these last three years that I have abilities that I thought were gone. I have been able to open myself up to new experiences, and take some chances. I have learned that by sharing the journey that others have been inspired by me. I am not as strong a person in all the ways I would really like to be, but I am not as bad as my own view of myself sometimes is. There is still a brighter light waiting to shine from somewhere deep down inside. That light breaks out from time to time, and especially during the season!

Thanks for your past support! I hope you can join me this year too! The fight is not done, and I have a lot more pedal cranks to go until blood cancer is a thing of the past. If you could help me this year by spreading my message to your personal networks to bring awareness, it would be greatly appreciated. You guys amaze me with your belief in a simple man with a goal no matter how crazy you may think I am for riding 100 miles in a day on a bicycle.

Recommitment is fast approaching on March 19, 2010. If you have not had a chance, please visit my fundraising site!

Season Totals: 5 hours on a spin bike, 1 core workout session much more fun ahead!

Finding My Way This Season

With the season underway, I am finding my way. The TEAM is coalescing quickly. The training sessions are more about getting seat time and building up tolerance in the hind quarters. The trainings will increase in difficulty to build the legs up.

I find that when I am away from the schedule of participating with a TEAM that I lose focus on what is important. I have more free time in my schedule, but I waste it. Time becomes tight during the season, with work commitments, family commitments, and TEAM obligations. I find that I am a better time manager in a crunch for some reason. This is counter intuitive to me as I like to think that I like to be prepared for things in advance.

Maybe it is being surrounded by old friends, and gaining new ones that lends clarity to my mind. This along with burning off any excess energy and troubling issues being set aside for training sessions. The body is weary, but the mind is thriving. I am more creative and attentive during the season.

I'm finding my way this season and so far enjoying it immensely!

Let The Season Begin But Someone Is Missing

I am so happy that the season for TNT is kicking off finally. We had the kickoff party last Saturday, February 6, 2010!!!! Training starts tomorrow morning at the Southdale YMCA.

I am trying to get back into drinking water, water, and more water. Right now I am getting in about 64 - 96 ounces a day of free water. Staying hydrated is always key in keeping muscles from cramping and recovering. Not always the funnest thing to do, but necessary as my legs have not been getting as much spin time as necessary so the first couple of spin sessions will probably tax them a little bit.

I did challenge myself this week for the first time in a long time at the gym!!! I got in the pool and decided to see if I still had a mile in the tank. I started out real slow and steady, and after about 20 or 30 lengths, I got into a good steady rhythm and picked up a little speed. I am still not fast, but I was able to pull the 1800 yards in about 40 minutes. I was pretty stoked!!! Have been needing a challenge, and this fit the bill.

I am sorry to say that LLS and TNT lost a member of our family. Steve Berg, my co-mentor during 2008 passed away from a heart attack on February 1, 2010. Steve was one of those guys that just had a way of bringing out the best from those around him. He made my

job as a mentor easier because I knew that I had someone to bounce ideas off of and knew that I would get good feedback! Steve always was quick with a smile and a laugh. Steve always wore a green wig to have fun and encourage all those around him to have fun. He will be missed.

So Welcome To A New Year

I have not been writing as much. I have been working more than I should. I have taken somewhat of a hiatus from working out. I still get to the gym, but have not found that fire to push very hard. I have gone to Spin classes that last two Sunday's for 45 minutes of fun. I have enjoyed them. The legs are in good shape, it is the posterior that needs to be conditioned. It will come back, but oh so painful the day after.

I need to work out more. I need to do this because I have been crabby the last couple of days. When I work out, I don't have time to be crabby. I don't feel the need to be crabby. Thus I need to get to the gym and swim or spin. Done with the running for a bit. Proved to myself I can do it, but don't get a lot of return from it in the enjoyment column.

All in all life is good. I am worried about the economy. I am worried about my kids. Nothing wrong with them, but what kind of world will they grow up in? They both continue to thrive and do amazing things despite my bad influences. They truly are a gift. Amazing that I wished when they were really little that they would grow so I could talk to them and they would understand. Now, I long for the days when they were little and did not have a care in the world other than wanting the VCR to rewind faster. Yes, I said VCR there were alive before DVD was the most common electronic baby sitting device on the market.

I have been reading like mad lately. I have an iPhone and downloaded the Kindle App for it. I love it I have a book in my pocket at all times. I have been reading Lance Armstrong's books and am enjoying the hell out of them. Of course it has two things I care about, cycling and beating cancer. The cancer being the biggest issue. He is one amazing person.

Tomorrow night I am speaking at a TNT function to recruit others in to doing a TNT event. I only hope to be honest, and convincing enough to encourage others to take a chance. I know that I remember my first event meeting, and can vividly remember the feelings I had. I am amazed at the changes I have experienced because of a simple 3X5 postcard.

Well, I will be posting more frequently as I get into the season. I hope you find your way back again despite the hiatus I have taken lately. Happy 2010 a bit late.