Getting Out Of My Own Head

I sit in my room in Tahoe. I have been here before. I know physically I can do this. I know that people are counting on me. I know if I can just get out of my own damn head I can do this. I am afraid. I am worried that I will let my TEAM down. I am worried that I will let my sponsors down. I am worried that I will let myself down.

I cannot get out of my own head. I keep saying the nastiest of things to and about myself in my own mind. I have to stop. I cannot be the negative guy. I have to find mental strength. I know the physical strength is there, it has been for many years. I keep thinking about me and not about the others that I am supposed to be doing this for.

I run on emotion, but I know for a fact this negativity is not something that I can get through this on. I have a lot of love and respect for my TEAM. I know that I have added humor in stressful and tough times, but I am not strong mentally. I am trying to focus on the positive, but I keep hearing myself in my own voice degrading me from the inside. The thoughts are vicious and hurtful. Self destructive in every way imaginable. This is not supposed to be like this. What the Hell, it feels like I am back to the same broken human being that started out in 2007, but with no spirit or soul. I do not like this man. I don't want to be this man. I want to rise above this man and truly be alive.

I am trying to support my TEAM with every fiber, but I cannot advertise my own inadequacies right now. I am here to lift them up not myself. I am here to do a job that I believe in. But I have to vent these negative emotions, so I am doing it here. It is a public venue. It is not an easy thing, but maybe if I get them out, they will go away! If not, I will do my job and lift my TEAM up. I will give 110% to them. I will get them through.

Honor is not something that comes without self sacrifice. Honor comes through putting others in front of your own needs. It's taking the bullet so someone else can live. It is giving up the last space in the life boat to someone more worthy. It is going back into the burning building regardless of the risk to yourself. I need to be focused on others tonight and tomorrow and let my chips fall where they may.

I am not quitting on my goal. I have four miles out here that I owe to myself, well that and another 96. But in reality that is secondary to ensuring that everyone of my TEAMMATES knows how much I believe in them. How much I respect them. How much I value their participation.

I am not quitting. I've said before that crying is not quitting. Doubt is not quitting. The only thing that is quitting is not having the courage to get up, get dressed, get on the bike and get out on the course. I will find that courage. The next step to not quitting is to get through the first mile, then the second, the third etcetera. The final step is to stay the fuck out of my own head. Thank the volunteers. Thank the people cheering. Encourage the people struggling around me. Think of the honorees. Think of my sister, and my grandfather. Think of anyone but myself. To enjoy the scenery, the company, the atmosphere, the journey.

Someone once told me that God does not make trash. I have often laughed at that and responded in my own mind, he made me so that cannot be an accurate statement. I have been carried by so many people in my life that someone had to have put them in my path. In my own disparaging mind, I have not often had the wisdom to find His plan. I am not overly religious, as I know that I am not overly worthy of any divine attention. He grants us free will, and often I have looked the wrong way. I hope that there will be one set of foot prints tomorrow and that He will be carrying all of us tomorrow including me.

Thanks for reading my rant. I do feel some better. I know I will find some heart. I may have to borrow some spirit from those around me. I may need to have some prayers from you. I will have to push through some physical discomfort. I will stay the Hell out of my own head somehow. Maybe I will find a mantra. Maybe I will encourage others and get back encouragement in return. It's only 100 miles. It's only one day of my life. It's only something I have done before. It is only me, my tires, my pedals and my will no matter how fractured at times. I will not quit. I will get up get dressed, get on my bike, get on the course. The rest will just be my chips falling as they may. I will find a way of getting out of my own head.