Got up and made the decision to take the day off and go earn your donations. Rode 42 miles in 2 hours 30 minutes with a short stop at Subway to get a snack at mile 20. Mile 42 take a lunch break and go to Subway again. I have a a conference call I cannot skip even though I have taken vacation. So I hammer out a quick 10 around Turtle Lake again. Stop and catch the call, and slam a bottle of Accelerade and another of water. Contribute the call dreading the 30 to 40 I have left to my goal. Ride over to the gym to get the visit credited to my account for my 12 monthly. 60 miles in and 20 - 30 to go. Ride back to the Arsenal and notice traffic is starting to get heavy. I could have ridden it but decide that I want to avoid it. I ride loops in the Arsenal. I get to 72 miles and head for home. I have a meeting to get to at 18:30. I have been on the road since 08:30 roughly and I need a shower. I am covered in road grime. I push around Turtle Lake for the fourth time. I am not as fast as I want, but I am pulling 15 miles an hour. I get home and still need 1 mile to make over 80. I push through it and put the bike in the garage.
There was only one moment of self pity. There was an even better moment when I told myself "Shut the Fuck Up and think of someone else. Think of Jack, or Lucy, or Brandon, or you sister! Your only tired and sore! Shut the Fuck Up and push through it!" Sorry for the language, but that was the thought. There has been a mental block this season. There has been self pity! I have never ridden this far by myself. I needed to do this without support. I needed to stand on my own an prove to myself my own worth. There is still that demon that I am not better than anyone. That I am not equal to anyone. I am not worthy to represent anyone. I am not guaranteed success, I have to work for it. I have to want it. I have to earn it through effort. No one will give it to me. I need to grab the opportunity. I need to look it in the eye. I need to put my fear of inadequacy aside and man up and do the work.
Today, I found the right set of circumstances. I found the right mental attitude. I found the strength. I found the courage. Nobody was there to see the pain. Nobody was there to see the fear. Nobody was there to carry me or lift my spirits. I needed to find my own spirit. I can even say that by pulling 91 miles in 24 hours, I am happy, sore, tired, feeling somewhat more normal. I'm even smiling about the whole thing.
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