81 And A Smile Finally

So I got my bike back from the shop. Broken spoke repaired, but mental dilemma still needing repair. I rode 10 miles last night. No issues. A spark to get out and try and go for 90.

Got up and made the decision to take the day off and go earn your donations. Rode 42 miles in 2 hours 30 minutes with a short stop at Subway to get a snack at mile 20. Mile 42 take a lunch break and go to Subway again. I have a a conference call I cannot skip even though I have taken vacation. So I hammer out a quick 10 around Turtle Lake again. Stop and catch the call, and slam a bottle of Accelerade and another of water. Contribute the call dreading the 30 to 40 I have left to my goal. Ride over to the gym to get the visit credited to my account for my 12 monthly. 60 miles in and 20 - 30 to go. Ride back to the Arsenal and notice traffic is starting to get heavy. I could have ridden it but decide that I want to avoid it. I ride loops in the Arsenal. I get to 72 miles and head for home. I have a meeting to get to at 18:30. I have been on the road since 08:30 roughly and I need a shower. I am covered in road grime. I push around Turtle Lake for the fourth time. I am not as fast as I want, but I am pulling 15 miles an hour. I get home and still need 1 mile to make over 80. I push through it and put the bike in the garage.

There was only one moment of self pity. There was an even better moment when I told myself "Shut the Fuck Up and think of someone else. Think of Jack, or Lucy, or Brandon, or you sister! Your only tired and sore! Shut the Fuck Up and push through it!" Sorry for the language, but that was the thought. There has been a mental block this season. There has been self pity! I have never ridden this far by myself. I needed to do this without support. I needed to stand on my own an prove to myself my own worth. There is still that demon that I am not better than anyone. That I am not equal to anyone. I am not worthy to represent anyone. I am not guaranteed success, I have to work for it. I have to want it. I have to earn it through effort. No one will give it to me. I need to grab the opportunity. I need to look it in the eye. I need to put my fear of inadequacy aside and man up and do the work.

Today, I found the right set of circumstances. I found the right mental attitude. I found the strength. I found the courage. Nobody was there to see the pain. Nobody was there to see the fear. Nobody was there to carry me or lift my spirits. I needed to find my own spirit. I can even say that by pulling 91 miles in 24 hours, I am happy, sore, tired, feeling somewhat more normal. I'm even smiling about the whole thing.

Emotion Block Removed From A Gift

I had a very nice experience yesterday. My sister asked me to come over for a visit to give me an early birthday present. We arranged a time, and I went over. We chatted for a bit, and she and her husband gave me my gift. For the last four years, I have not asked for any gifts. I have asked that they make a donation to LLS instead.

This gift was one of the coolest things I have ever been given. My sister took all the photos that I have collected from events over the last three years at TNT events. She took select posts from this blog. She put them together in a book for me. I have never been ashamed of my emotions. I have to honestly tell you that looking at this book and how far and how much I have accomplished made me break down and cry.

I have really been struggling this season. I have been trying to run on only anger or self contempt. I don't know what my mental block has been. I know that I cannot do this on those two emotions alone. I need to open myself and be compassionate, I need to accept my own frailty. I have to set smaller goals and celebrate them along the way. I have been trying to do it all in one step, which I know does not work. I have constantly been looking at the speedometer and the odometer and beating myself up mentally.

This book broke down a wall for me. It brought out a flood of emotion that I needed to release. I've said that most of an endurance event is mental. I have not had the mental edge I need to do what I have set out to do. I have been expecting less from myself because of this mental block. This has not been productive!

I can guarantee that I will still have struggles, this break through does not ensure that there will not be relapses of doubt. But by getting over this block, I can move forward. While watching TV earlier in the day before meeting my sister, I was watch "I Should Not Be Alive". This episode was about a former SAS solider that had shattered his pelvis on a mountain side, and was 8 miles from help. He recalled that his former instructors had taught that you need to develop a plan and keep moving forward based on that plan. I'm developing my plan, and I will keep moving forward based on it.

I'm ever evolving, ever introverted, ever pursuing a difference. I am a conundrum to myself.

A Different Form Of Success

I cannot sit here and say I was successful in what I wanted to do today. I am not ashamed to sit here and say what I got to do today turned into success. My ride was all up hill today literally. I rode out of Afton, MN with doubt in my head. I put it in my lowest gear and I climbed slower than I would like, but I climbed. I got to the top of the hill and felt a wobble in my rear wheel, and fearing a flat pulled over to correct the issue. Much to my dismay, it was a broken spoke and a wheel out of true. My ride ended roughly five miles in.

This could have been very destructive, but maybe with age and experience came some wisdom. I asked to be sagged back to Afton. I called one bike shop nearby, and got the maybe we have the spoke, maybe we don't. I hung my ride up and got in my truck to run additional Sag support.

What I would do now was support my TEAM. I would drive ahead, and I would wait. I would offer whatever meager support I could. When the last person passed me, I would drive ahead and wait for everyone to pass. I got to see a different side of my TEAM today. I got to see hard work, dedication, commitment, perseverance, struggle, circumstances out of our control, (including my own mechanical issue), bonding, and success.

There were people that did need to be sagged ahead. There were people that showed courage by getting back on their bikes. There were people who pushed through mental monsters. There were people that just put there noses to the grind stone an pushed and achieved.

I got to know my TEAMmates a little better today. I had a chance to speak with those I was sagging. I got to take it all in without holding a pity party for myself. I got to make a difference in how some got through the day. It might not have been my intended success when I rolled out of bed, but in the end, I think it was a much more meaningful outcome.

To witness a whole group stand and cheer for the final person coming in after 90 miles, and see that person breakdown and realize what they had just accomplished, is the reason I love being a part of this organization. It teaches, to think beyond yourself. It gives a common goal. It makes us grow in many different ways. It has taught me that some things are outside of my control, and I just need to roll with it.

Today was not what I expected. Today was a pretty valuable lesson. I have not had much success fighting mental issues this season, but I can honestly say I enjoyed the hell out of a day that did not go my way. Today I was privileged to watch others succeed and to really enjoy watching it.

Ignorance Is Bliss!!!

Okay, tomorrow the TEAM will ride 90 miles. We have not had a very good record on weather! It is either wind in abundance or rain or both. Again, it is people that step outside their comfort zone that achieve amazing things.

I know what is ahead of me tomorrow. I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. I am both excited about the challenge, and filled with doubt of if I have it in me mentally. I know after three years that I have it physically. The mental game is always the deciding factor. Seems strange that the lesson that I have learned over the last four years that if the brain is not engaged, the body has no chance of succeeding!

Having Jackson our honoree around tomorrow will be a great benefit. If this young man can face cancer, I can face my fear of repeating what I did three years ago. I know right away in the morning I will climb out of Afton, MN and I will make it to Bay City, WI. Then after a short break, I will get to face my fears and climb out of Hagger City, WI. I will have to remember Lucy, I will have to remember my sister, I will have to remember my grandfather, I will have to remember everyone that has faced something bigger than pain and a hill. I will have to harness both my fear and the honor it is to do this for someone else! I will have to put my head in the game and push through the ups and enjoy the downs. It is only pain and miles I face nothing that will kill me.

I hope to post success tomorrow. No, I don't hope, I will! Attitude is everything. It is okay to have fear, but it is attitude that will make the difference. It does not matter that I have been ill this week. It does not matter that I am tired. It does not matter that I want a break when the climbs come. I am not ignorant, but success will bring the same bliss as ignorance!!!

Getting Beat!

We went out for a team ride today from Stillwater to Taylors Falls, over to Wisconsin and back to Taylors falls. I can honestly say that I got beat today. The wind was unrelenting!!!!!!! In five years of riding, I have never been buffeted quite so violently. To have to ride at between five and six miles an hour is horrible. I have to say that physically, I was on target by the way I felt. My hydration was good. My nutrition was going well. I was tired, but mentally, there was something missing. This is the first time that I can say I chose to quit. I rode 63 of the 75 miles, but I had checked out at about 51 miles.

My first year this decision to quit would have been soul crushing. Now, while it does not make me proud to say I chose to quit, I can handle the decision, and it's ramifications. I would honestly say this 63, was the equivalent of 80 miles. For the week if you include Sunday's Iron man I have logged 140 - 150 miles. My rest has not been significant enough to handle that much. My eating has been less than spectacular in the right choices that need to be made while training while not on the bike.

There comes a time in physical endeavors that you have to make decisions on if it is time to push or time to retreat. Today, I know I could have chosen to push through, but at what amount of mental anguish? Mental anguish is not a great excuse when you compare it to why I do this stuff, but in four years, I have not retreated, maybe todays lesson was one I needed to learn.

What was the lesson? I think it was to put my ego aside, and do what was right for me at the time. To accept that today was not my day, but I gave it what I had to give. I left it on the road, and I can still look myself in the eye and know that I am not a failure. I simply was not on my game in all facets. Tonight, I will rest, tomorrow I may ride a real light 10 to 15 to move the lactic acid out of my thighs. I may decide that rest is more important if the wind is still up as it looks like it may be.