The weight and measure of who I am.

If you were to ask me on any given day if I was a success, I would most likely tell you I was at least the first syllable of that word. Meaning, that my opinion of who I am is that I suck! While I say this in jest, it used to truly be the way I viewed myself.

I was born to, raised by, and nurtured by two caring parents. Provided for and given the necessary opportunities to succeed. I played hockey, football, baseball, and was given a natural ability to conquer anything that involved sport. Scholastically, I was adequate and achieved what was necessary to get by. I could have done more, but decided not to. These two sides of my life enabled me to get into a small private college. There I was able to study, and play division three collegiate football, until I blew out my knee in a game my Junior season. On that day something inside of me withdrew. My drive for athletic endeavour and the achievement it brings.

I finished up my Senior year and graduated with a degree in Management Information Systems. I went job hunting to the headline the day after I graduated "The Most Unwanted College Class Ever." A major boost to the ego... Well, maybe not. I could have lived better on welfare than the 70 hours I was working between two jobs. One was doing temporary service data entry work at a financial institution, and the other was pushing a broom at a corporation that served the financial institutions with the now antiquated paper check. I would eventually spend fifteen years at the latter. Working my way out of janitorial services, to corporate payroll clerk, to information technology help desk analyst, to network analyst, to field network engineer.

Toward the end of that fifteen years, I was dying inside. I had married my high school sweetheart, had two beautiful daughters, and inside hated everything that I had become. I was happy with my family, (not that everything was blissful). But who I was, was an avatar walking through daily life with no purpose. I was doing everything to maintain, but nothing to grow on a personal level.

I had witnessed a co-worker who was morbidly obese loose over 200 pounds. It was an amazing accomplishment to witness. I was on my way to health problems myself after letting myself go from the day I blew my knee out. I was up to 350+ pounds, after playing football at 6' 3" and 270 pounds. Something within me said, if he can do it, you should be able to get off your ass and do it too.

I started riding my mountain bike. I started with three mile rides, twice a day. Moved up to seven miles once a day. It kept progressing in distance from there. I noticed that after a couple of weeks, I started to get the endorphin high that I had heard runners get. I started to have more energy. I started to laugh more. I started to feel again. Then one day, I received a 3x5 card that changed my life.

The card talked about a program called TNT or Team in Training. If you went to an informational meeting, you could learn more about running a marathon, doing a triathlon, or riding a century (100 miles), all while raising funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Charity is something that I used to view as nice for others to invest in and for others to be able to utilize, but it was not something that I was capable of contributing to. I would give to the bell ringers at Christmas time, but viewed other major charities with skepticism as their CEO's earned six figure salaries and some had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. This organization seemed different though as 74 percent of every dollar went to research and patient support.

I showed the card to my wife, and will never forget her response; "Well, it sounds interesting, but it's everything you hate. You hate large groups of people, and you hate fundraising." She encouraged me to go check it out if I was interested. I decided to go to a local meeting, it did not cost anything to find out more.

I went to the meeting positioning myself by the exit. To say I was uncomfortable was an understatement. I listened to the story of a lady who had lost her husband to Leukemia. I listened to the overview of the program. It sounded fascinating, but the fundraising for the event I was interested in, (the century ride) was $4000.00 with that piece of information my mind froze. When the meeting was over, they asked who wanted to sign up. I thanked them for the information, and made a fast retreat.

Upon reaching my truck in the parking lot, I broke down. My heart wanted to do this, but my brain told me "you idiot, there is no way you can raise $4000.00!" I made my mind shut up and let my heart do the thinking for a minute. It asked me; "what if this was someone you loved fighting these diseases?" For the first time in my life, I followed my heart instead of my mind! I sheepishly went back inside to find the meeting leader and asked for some more information. The ride was around Lake Tahoe. I was worried about the elevation, and wanted to talk with the coach before I committed to signing up. I got his phone number, and then walked back out to my truck and drove home. The next day, I called the coach from Syracuse, NY as I was out of town on business. He called me that evening, and we had a good conversation. He wound up talking me into going for it. I am glad that I did. Here is an link to the results of this adventure: http://crashnnumbtoes.blogspot.com/2007/06/giant-among-men.html

Needless to say that this adventure changed me on a level that I never thought possible. It ignited the drive for athletic endeavour and the achievement it brings, that I thought I would never have again.

This year, I did a marathon with TNT. I will post the message that I sent out to all of my contributors in a later post. Needless to say the weight of who I am is declining. I am still 300 pounds, but am so much healthier. The measure of who I am at this time is limitless. I still have bad days, but I now know that I have the ability to choose how bad and for how long they will be that way. I can turn the negative into a positive. I choose to look at things differently now.

A bunch of the friends that I have met through TNT have been blogging for a long time. I have really enjoyed reading their posts. Maybe now it is my time to share a bit. As I start training to complete my tripple crown (Century, Marathon, Triathlon), with a triathlon next July, I intend to share the journey. If your interested come along for the ride.